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People with trust funds think it’s normal

TRUST fund recipients think it is normal to have large amounts of free money.

Researchers found that people with access to trust funds believe nobody really needs to work.

Fund recipient Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Isn’t it the case that if anyone wants to buy a new car they go and butter up their father’s lawyer, who wearily hands over a cheque while warning them not to spend it all on cocaine again?

“No? No? Ok, mind blown.”

Trust fund owner Tom Booker said: “It’s not that different anyway. My life is just like most people’s except without having to do anything I don’t want to do.

“I am very industrious and run my own travel business, which involves me going snowboarding all the time.

“The main revenue stream is my monthly allowance. It’s going really well.”

Financial analyst Donna Sheridan said: “Trust fund people move in highly incestuous circles, so you can’t really blame them.

“It’s the nagging sense of self-loathing that makes them spunk it all on yoga retreats, boutique festivals and ‘getting into the music industry’.”

Fire drills ‘raise false hopes that office is burning’

ROUTINE fire drills have been condemned for making workers think the place they hate most will be destroyed.

Psychologist Nikki Hollis said: “It’s like giving a cat a massive herring then yanking it away on a piece of string, laughing sadistically while pretending it was a necessary test of the cat’s reflexes.”

Office manager Stephen Malley said: “Whenever the fire alarm goes off there is a wave of euphoria, with team members cheering and deliberately tipping their desks over.

“Last week that turned to a chant of ‘Burn! Burn! Burn!’ and some of the audit team began to empty out their cigarette lighters on a pile on tax return folders.

“However, after half an hour of standing around in the car park while the office fire warden yelled incomprehensibly, staff were ordered to return to their office.

“We were absolutely devastated once it dawned on us that we’d have to return to our dull cube-based lives.”

Call centre operative Roy Hobbs said: “I remember as a kid being promised a Big Trak for Christmas but instead my dad went to prison. That’s what fire drills are like.”

Boss Martin Bishop said: “There is actually no legal obligation to do fire drills. We just like to fuck with their heads.”

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