Parents 'lose six years of their lives getting everyone in the f**king car'

PARENTS waste six years of their lives getting their children into the f**king car, research has confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found that families with young kids can take up to three hours just to leave the house and get everyone into their seats.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “You’ll be standing in the p*ssing rain for over an hour waiting for a two-year-old to ‘get in the car by herself’.

“Then there’s locating toys and strapping the little b*stards in. When you’re about to drive off you can guarantee one of them will need a sh*t and you’ll have to get out and start the whole process again.

“Our research suggests this wastes almost 53,000 hours of your life and barely improves until they become teenagers, when they become a pain in different ways.”

Father-of-two Martin Bishop said: “It’s taken me 45 minutes to wrestle Oscar into his car seat. He kicked me in the face, just in case I wasn’t already having enough hassle with the changing bag and the f**king pram.

“Leaving the house just isn’t worth it. I’m going to stay at home with the back door open and let them roam free.”

Win a date with Priti Patel

WOULD you like to win a date with the UK’s shadow foreign secretary Priti Patel? Enter our unique competition for charity by answering these Priti-related questions. 

What is Priti’s favourite song? 

A) Surely not ‘Pretty Woman’?

B) ‘Pretty Woman’. She is that much of an egomaniac. She also likes ‘Pretty in Pink’ and ‘Pretty Vacant’, being too dim to grasp the irony.

You’ll be meeting Priti in an exclusive London restaurant. What will she order?

A) Something sophisticated like salmon in sorrel sauce.

B) A greasy full English and builder’s tea to pathetically pander to patriotic British voters who like a riot.

What is Priti’s favourite film? 

A) Something political like All the President’s Men.

B) Anything where the underdogs get a good kicking by the authorities, so The Empire Strikes Back. Priti likes to shout “GO EMPIRE!” during the film. She does not realise there are other Star Wars movies.

Priti has a hobby only true fans will know about. What is it?

A) Creative writing.

B) Exploding small animals with fireworks while wearing her trademark superior smirk.

When you meet Priti, what will you bring?

A) Some flowers or expensive chocolates.

B) A birth certificate and bank statements going back 30 years to prove you’re British and not get handcuffed and stuck on the first plane to Jamaica.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO NOW?

Send in your answers by email and complete the following tiebreaker in no more than 20 words: ‘Priti Patel is the most gifted future prime minister of the UK because…’ This may take some time.