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Most betting shop regulars now multi-millionaires

THE majority of people who frequent betting shops are worth in excess of seven figures, according to new data.

Experts at the Institute for Studies found that 73% of people who spend most of their time in betting shops have enjoyed incredible financial success.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Look in the window of your local Ladbrokes at about half two on any given week day afternoon and you will see the very definition of ‘stealth wealth’.

“You would never guess that the middle-aged men therein, with their rheumy eyes, craggy grey skin and market-bought jogging trousers, have made vast fortunes from their skilful wagering on horses, football and the dogs.

“I guess they just like to keep it discreet, preferring to spend their leisure time hanging around cheap pubs and post offices rather than on yachts with models. Which is a lifestyle they could comfortably enjoy, if they wanted.”

Tom Logan, 54, started visiting betting shops on a daily basis shortly after an alcohol-related divorce and soon made his first million from a well-placed gamble on a high profile speedway event.

He said: “When I got my first enormous win, I was determined not to let it change me. I had a small celebration at the nearest Wetherspoons, alone.”

After a short, violent bout of dry coughing, he added: “I still live in the same rented bedsit above a pet shop and prepare all my meals on one of those little cookers that’s like a box with a single oven ring on the top, because that’s where I’m happiest.

“Betting every day is a lot of hard work, you really cannot afford to miss a single edition of the Racing Post. But if you stick at it and keep believing in yourself, it really pays off.”

 

 

 

 

'Get out of my house, you monster' Britain tells mother

BRITAIN told its mother to get the hell out of its house today after 24 hours of Machiavellian psycho-terror.

The nation finally cracked after the festive campaign of maternal passive-aggression made it miss the start of Doctor Who.

Displaying genuine shock, Britain’s mother said: “I suppose I must be the most evil person in the world.”

Manhandling her ageing frame roughly into the back of a cab, Britain replied: “Yes, you are.”

The nation had invited its mother after temporarily forgetting why it decided to go to university a long way from home, even though it meant sharing a fetid two bedroom flat with five Australians and a collection of anthrax infested bongo drums.

Yesterday’s heavily analysed dinner was delayed by 20 minutes after Britain opened its cutlery drawer to find it had been rearranged by what experts later described as ‘a maniac’.

Sensing about four per cent of the palpable tension she was causing, Britain’s mother responded by being pointedly upbeat about her new neighbours.

But the nation eventually said: “Cut the bullshit. Are these pleasant, industrious people at number 14 from the Asian subcontinent?”

Britain’s gran then offered some treats from her selection box of racial epithets, prompting Britain’s mother to add: “You can’t even say ‘chinky’ these days.”

The final straw came when the nation caught its mother passing a chocolate digestive covered in Stork to its eight month old child.

Britain added: “What do you mean ‘it didn’t do me or my sister any harm’? I’ve been diabetic since I was 10 and she’s a Jehova’s Witness.”

 

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