subscribe
/ Sign Out

Middle class interest rates raised by 180 Gü ramekins per month

THE Bank of England has announced that middle class interest rates are being raised by the equivalent of 180 Gü ramekins per month.

The announcement that interest rates are increasing by four embellished items of Boden Fair Isle knitwear has left thousands of middle-class families living between Ocado deliveries.

Carolyn Ryan of Oswestry said: “We’ve lost out financially to the tune of between one and one-and-a-half waxed Barbour jackets with poacher’s pockets every month. I don’t know how we’ll survive.

“No family, no matter how well-heeled, could survive this kind of cut to their income without making changes. As a household it’s like we’re buying four new John Lewis sofas a year.

“It’s not just losing six minibreaks per annum. It’s the little things, like membership of the National Gallery and habitually using the M6 toll road. Like Joni said, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”

She added: “It’s the tenants in our investment properties I feel most sorry for. They’ll be bearing the brunt of this. Poor things.”

Do you actually like your oldest friends or is it too late to change now?

DO you have mates that you presume you must like because you’ve known them since secondary school? Here’s how to tell if there’s nothing there apart from longevity.

You see them twice a year

You spent every day after school and all your weekends together until you went your separate ways for uni. Now you see them for an awkward, obligatory weekend away together each summer and when you go back to your home town for Christmas. And even that feels a bit too much. 

You’ve got nothing to talk about apart from the old days

You’ve got plenty to talk about with newer friends, because you met them via similar interests. Of your old friends, one’s a raging Brexiter, one turns every conversation round to his kids, and one keeps bringing up Joe Rogan bollocks. The only safe topic of conversation is the distant past. Despite your many faults, you’ve definitely not still carrying a pathetic torch for Natalie Hughes who you did technical drawing with in 1986.

You endlessly rehash your teenage arguments

You’re a 45-year-old parent with a mortgage and a sensible car, and yet you’re still arguing with your friends about whether The Bends is better than OK Computer. The fact is that none of you has listened to a Radiohead album since 2004, and would wince at the horrible noise like your own dad listening to dubstep.

There’s no chance you’d ring them in an emergency

If you needed a friend to come and help in an emergency, or a shoulder to cry on, the last people you’d call would be these twats. They’d rip the piss and then point out how you similarly wrote off your car or got horribly dumped back in 1998, which would only compound your misery as you’d like to think you’ve developed as a human in the last 25 years.

You’ll be at each other’s funerals

Other friends will come and go but you’re stuck with these stupid bastards for life. You’ll totter along to each other’s funerals, telling anyone who’ll listen you’ve been friends for 80 years, then get pissed at the pub afterwards, make a tit of yourself and throw up. Just like the ‘good’ old days.

Next story ›