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Massive support for capitalism following Million Mask March

PEOPLE across Britain have voiced their support for the dominant economic system, it has been confirmed.

After protesters gathered outside Parliament last night to point out that the world is unfair, millions decided they would rather be poor than be those people.

Office drone Nikki Hollis said: “I’m underpaid, under-represented in parliament, sexually objectified in the media and ignored at home, but at least I’m not some bellend in a £40 Guy Fawkes mask.

“I’m sure this probably makes me a quisling running dog but the main thing is, I’m not an arse.”

Meanwhile the march organisers insisted that setting off fireworks and pretending they are in V for Vendetta would make everyone realise that Starbucks is horrid.

Hollis added: “I know that big businesses are probably evil but on the other hand, Starbucks has never blown a whistle two inches from my ear when I’m trying to get the bus.”

Nativity rewritten to include promotional Coke lorry

THE story of Jesus’s birth now includes a large red lorry with corporate branding, it has been confirmed.

A Bible sponsorship deal means the three wise men now officially travelled to the stable of Christ’s birth in a heavily-branded lorry bearing gifts of Coke, Diet Coke and Coke Zero.

After infant Jesus and his parents have enjoyed several litres of soft drinks ‘and found the taste to be realer and more pleasing than all rival colas’, they get a lift back to Nazareth in the lorry.

The Bible describes how ‘the red truck did mow down scores of Herod’s men, and it was exciting, like something out of Mad Max’.

On reaching adulthood, Jesus tours the land in the crimson lorry, delivering sermons on Coca Cola’s brand values, handing out cans to beggars and turning water into Cherry Coke.

God later tests the faithful by sending down a plague of type 2 diabetes, and those who remain loyal to Coke are rewarded with a free concert from the angel Justin Bieber.

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