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Man takes half an hour to turn off his car alarm

A MAN has taken 30 minutes to shut off his deafening car alarm.

Nathan Muir was remarkably unfazed when his BMW’s alarm started its thunderous honking at 2am, even though it woke up and p*ssed off everyone else who lives on his street.

Muir said: “I thought it would magically turn itself off if I left it alone for five minutes but it kept going for some reason.

“Then I gave it another five minutes of doing absolutely nothing. Amazingly that didn’t work either.

“I could have quickly silenced it by using the remote locking, which is really easy and I wouldn’t even need to put on my shoes, but instead I killed another 10 minutes reading the Daily Mail on my phone.

“After having a quick cup of tea I thought I’d better take a look at it because I didn’t want it to drain the battery more than anything else.”

Muir’s neighbour Nikki Hollis said: “It’s good to know that Nathan is pretty relaxed about his car because I’m going to key the f*ck out of it tomorrow night.”

Is it worth having a pension or would you be amazed if you lived that long?

EVERYONE should put money into a pension scheme but is it worth it if you smoke, drink heavily and are reckless with your life choices? Take our test.

How often do you drink?
A. I drink one glass of wine per day as recommended by health experts but I make a point of not enjoying it.
B. Does the pint I’m drinking right now count towards that?

How often do you smoke?
A. Never. It’s a disgusting habit.
B. Crack or meth?

Do you ever take drugs?
A. No, but I did once linger around a joss stick that I liked the scent of.
B. I try to stick to weekends, evenings and if I need a pick-me-up at work after a heavy night.

What’s your diet like?
A. Lentils and water.
B. Does Mars Bars washed down with Irn-Bru count as a diet?

Do you exercise?
A. Only a few hours a day. Been letting it slip lately.
B. My daily walk to Greggs for a sausage, cheese and bean melt takes at least four minutes.

Mostly As – Yes, you should definitely be putting money into a pension scheme as you’re probably going to live to over 100. The next 50 years will be exceptionally dull but it sounds like all the previous ones were too.

Mostly Bs – Say f**k it to a pension scheme and instead spend your money on a personal trainer, a therapist and a nice long stint in rehab. Or just keep going with the drugs.

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