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Man mocks 'safe spaces' from very safe space indeed

A MAN has derided the idiotically woke idea of ‘safe spaces’ from an extremely safe location in his Cotswolds home.

Norman Steele went to his basement study in his large house in a tranquil village to go online and decry the new-fangled need for vulnerable people to feel secure.

Steele, who lives in a low-crime area but has a state-of-the-art burglar alarm, said: “The trouble with these self-styled ‘marginalised’ snowflakes is that they don’t understand danger builds character. 

“Do you think the Somme was a safe space? Or Dunkirk? Of course not. I know. I was there. In the cinemas, watching the films.”

Retiree Steele, who no longer has to deal with even workplace stress, castigated transgender groups in particular for wanting to congregate in places where there was unanimous agreement they should be allowed to exist. 

He said: “We never had safe spaces in my day, thank goodness. My private school was such an unsafe space that its former headmaster was sent down for 15 years on multiple counts of child abuse.

“Anyway, I must go and lock all the doors. There’s been a trans crime wave according to the Telegraph and you can’t be too careful.”

Peri-peri chicken: The absolute worst flavours to put in a vape

THE government wants to ban disposable vapes, but why not just make the flavours more off-putting? Although if any of these catch on, society is doomed.

Tinned mackerel

Delicious, nicotine-infused fish juice. Surely it’s only a matter of time before schoolkids across the UK are coming back from their lunch breaks smelling as if they’ve spent the day down the wharf? If this does ever catch on, the death penalty for anyone using it on public transport will be welcomed by Daily Mail readers and liberals alike.

Gym locker room

You’d soon see a reduction in vaping if people were huffing a harrowing concoction of multiple men’s stale sweat, the odour of ancient trainers kept for exercise, lingering traces of Lynx Africa and athlete’s foot powder. Vapers might well start smoking again, but everyone would agree fag smoke smells fresh as a summer meadow by comparison.

Peri-peri chicken

During the great Nando’s boom of the early 2010s, peri-peri became one of the UK’s most ubiquitous flavours. However if any human being inhaled extra-hot peri-peri chicken their lungs would almost certainly burst into flames. Great for vapers who complain vaping doesn’t have the same ‘bite’ as fags.

Stink bomb 

Smells are noted for triggering memories in your brain, so relive joyously traipsing out of double geography because some little bastard had let off a stink bomb. The odour of rotten eggs sounds like a bad idea for a vape flavour, but no matter how vile or wretched a product is, there are bound to be some weirdos who like it.

Jalfrezi

The rich, tomatoey, spicy curry that’s delicious with a rice or a naan. So why not distil a jalfrezi’s essence into vape juice? It’s either madness or genius. Unfortunately the flavour would be more complex and sophisticated than popular sickly ones like Blueberry Muffin Sucrose Overload so it’s unlikely you’ll be walking by groups of teens puffing out great clouds of jalfrezi-scented vapour any time soon. 

Old dog’s fart

Captured for the first time in vape form, the devastatingly rancid stench of a decrepit sheepdog with IBS. This is a concoction that’s clearly closer to a chemical weapon than a mild stimulant. Handy if you’re vaping and suddenly need to break up a mob of rioters, although regular use will make family and friends unwilling to spend time with you. Probably not much more than puffing on 40 Rothmans a day, though.

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