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Man does not like cycling

A 31-YEAR-OLD man does not like cycling, it has been claimed.

Friends of Julian Cook had believed his reluctance to adopt pedal-based transport was due to safety fears.

But Cook said: “I’ve been on a bike a couple of times in the past decade and to be honest I found it to be a pain in the arse.

“I don’t like the ‘balancing’ element, which you don’t get with a car, I hate swallowing flies and also going up hills is really hard.”

Cook’s workmate Norman Steele said: “When I told him about the new cycling laws in the Highway Code I thought he’d be overjoyed, but he looked like he was going to hit me.

“I refuse to accept that he doesn’t like cycling. Everyone likes cycling, it’s so great.

“Maybe he is a supernatural being sent by the cycling god to test my faith.”

Colleague Susan Traherne said: “I’ve never met a man who doesn’t like cycling. I’m not sure whether I find it sexy or repellent. Certainly it is against nature.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Still no word from Channel 5 on your football/reality show Keepy Ups With The Kardashians. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You like to think of eBay less as a place to buy things and more as a place to make strangers pay £3 more than they’d intended for stuff.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
As an online troll, you like to eavesdrop in pubs, tell the stranger at the next table they’re full of shit, then get offended when you’re told to piss off.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Sharks kill 12 people a year but people kill 11,000 sharks an hour, so in your fucking FACE, sharks.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’ve never defended Rourke’s Drift from an army of Zulus but you’ve held on to a large table in a busy pub waiting for friends to arrive which is basically the same thing.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from the bank about your plan to open a restaurant with really lousy service where you call all the dishes ‘revenge’ so the customers can’t complain.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It occurs to you that if everybody were cremated, the zombie apocalypse would just be a really insistent sandstorm.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Did you know that if the sun was shrunk to the size of a basketball and the earth to the size of a pea, we’d all die?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you prove price comparison websites don’t always offer the best deal as Wayne from the pub bypasses your gas meter for fifty quid.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you speak to your doctor about the possibility of having a three-person baby so long as none of the people are you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A 4-hour wait with A&E on Saturday. Hell of a Scrabble hand to get rid of.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Take This Quiz To See Which Viral Stomach Infection You Are.

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