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Man arrives at work to find he's lost ten years of his life

A MAN has arrived at his office job to find that he has lost an entire decade of the only life he will ever have.

Tom Booker felt something was wrong when he swiped his security card and went to make a cup of tea, before the realisation dawned that he was 38 and had been stuck sitting at the same desk since 2011.

Booker said: “I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong. Then it hit me that I’m nearly 40 years old and I rent the same flat I did when I took a six-month contract here to tide me over until my move to Berlin.

“Jesus, I think I wore this shirt to my interview.”

Booker added that from today, he would get a grip on the passing of time and take responsibility for his life before it was too late.

He said: “I’m very confident that 2021 is going to be the year it happens for me.”

I strongly deny any allegations by porn stars, models, or attractive raccoons called Karen

By Donald Trump

SO PERHAPS you’ve been reading the rubbish circulating in the gutter press.

Although admittedly very beautiful, those women are liars. And the worst liar of all, should she decide to come forward with her lies, is a highly attractive raccoon called Karen.

The false story starts one summer afternoon at a highly exclusive golf club, as I stepped out for a heated phone call with my legal team. Suddenly there was a loud rustling behind some bins, and there she was, tugging at a bag of chicken bones with her strong teeth and claws.

Karen.

I was immediately struck by her large eyes, providing excellent night vision, and lustrous striped pelt. “Let me help you with that,” I said, effortlessly dragging the heavy refuse sack out of the bin.

She didn’t just eat the meat from the bones, but crunched them up and swallowed them whole. Impressed, I immediately invited this strong, sensual raccoon back to my very high-end hotel room.

Later that night we enjoyed dinner out of a bin while watching clips of me on the news and then half an episode of Masterchef. I am too much of a gentlemen to describe what happened next, but a lovemaking session ensued.

Of course none of this happened, and if Karen comes forward with these allegations they are entirely fake. Also Karen, if you’re reading this, remember a lot of raccoons have traffic accidents, and nobody asks any questions. Nobody.

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