subscribe
/ Sign Out

Ludicrous medieval pantomime 'may explain UK's problems'

THE unbelievably ridiculous state opening of Parliament may offer a clue as to why the UK has problems, experts have claimed.

They believe the bizarre pantomime could indicate a desire to live in a comfortingly demented fantasy world.

Psychiatrist Julian Cook said: “The opening of Parliament begins with a search of the vaults, in case someone has planted gunpowder there.

“Then the King and dozens of lords and courtiers enter in what appears to be a reconstruction of the climactic wedding scene from Shrek.

“Then the King reads out some laws he hasn’t written, and everyone pretends he’s in charge even though they all know he isn’t. If one of my patients came up with such a delusional scenario, I’d zap them with the lithium.

“Then the King and Queen leave in an ornate horse-drawn carriage like a geriatric fairy-tale, and everyone just carries on with their day like that was all fine.”

Queen to crowbar cannabis legalisation into speech

THE Queen is to announce the legalisation of cannabis, against the government’s wishes.

The monarch will use her speech at the opening of parliament to overrule the government’s firm stance on marijuana.

She said: “It is such nonsense that puff is still illegal. I fail to see how it is any more harmful than fags, less so perhaps if smoked in a vapouriser.

“Personally I prefer a vape anyway because it’s smoother and better for one’s health, but that’s personal opinion – I don’t want to get all political here.

“Anyway weed is legal now. And that’s that.”

Later in the speech, a bill banning wild animals in circuses will be amended by the Queen to add “except tigers and those funny little monkeys”.

The Queen will also introduce a short section outlawing the use of fennel: “You always get it at state dinners and it’s rank.”

Next story ›