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Lotus Biscoff finally gets around to launching lube line

FORMER biscuit manufacturer Lotus Biscoff has finally got around to launching a line of Lotus Biscoff-flavoured sexual lubricants.

The company, which once made a single product and now makes more than 230 million, has expanded into the lube market as the obvious next step in their all-encompassing plan.

Managing director Jan Achten said: “Slamming into each other with more force than natural lubricant can allow? Missing that Biscoff taste? No longer.

“Yes, now we’ve expanded into a spread, ice-cream, milkshakes, chocolate, cavity wall insulation, life insurance, cloud storage and shoe insoles we thought a lube was the way to go.

“There are three flavours: Lotus Biscoff, Lotus Biscoff Cream and Lotus Biscoff Original, which is the same as Lotus Biscoff. It’s silicone-based so you’ll feel every thrust, and so delicious it’s hard not to eat straight from the jar!

“Is this an odd trajectory for a business that used to be the biscuits you got with coffee? Yes, but once we changed our name from Speculoos and shed the gynaecological overtones, the sky was the limit.”

He added: “Methamphetamine? It’s Lotus Biscoff.”

Woman hopes she and ex can still be friends who f**k after a few drinks

A WOMAN splitting up with her boyfriend hopes they can still stay in contact and hook up when drunk and lonely.

Tearful heartbreaker Lucy Parry is trying to take the edge off dumping her boyfriend of two years Jack Browne by suggesting they could still be friends who enjoy regret-laden sex whenever they have had a few pints.

She said: “Just because this is the end of our relationship it doesn’t mean we can’t carry on being booty calls. It would be a shame to throw away our sexual connection over something as trivial as not loving each other any more.

“After all, our rampant libidos and misguided alcohol-fuelled decisions are what brought us together to begin with. We don’t even have to hang out before or after if you’d find that weird. It could just be the most intimate human experience and nothing more.

“I know this is the sort of thing people say all the time when they break up, but I mean it. You’re still somewhat physically attractive to me and my self-esteem is at rock bottom. Promise me you’ll at least think about it, yeah?”

Browne said: “I’m on board. But only if we can kid ourselves into thinking we should give our relationship another go then repeat this whole doomed process a few dozen times. Otherwise it wouldn’t feel right.”

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