subscribe
/ Sign Out

Loser student joins all the societies

A CREDULOUS loser of a student has signed up to all the societies at his university’s Freshers’ Fair.

First-year sociology undergraduate Jack Brown has joined the Drama Society, the Climbing Society, the Pagan Society, the Pokémon Society, the Album Listening Society, and Fencing Club.

He said: “They all had their own stall and I worked my way round them in a methodical fashion to make sure that I didn’t miss any. It’s all part of the Freshers’ Week excitement.

“I had no interest in rowing but they were very persuasive, the Christians were such lovely people, and those hippies tell me hemp is amazingly versatile. I’m sure I’ll make lots of new friends by participating in randomly chosen activities.

“Once I’d finished I sipped a non-alcoholic beer in the Student Union by myself, then got into bed by half-eight so I would be refreshed and ready for orientation tomorrow afternoon.”

Surf Society head Oli O’Connor said: “We thank Mr Browne for his signing-on fees and monthly direct debit, which we promise to spend on doing all the good stuff our societies are dedicated to and not inviting him.

“He has cemented his status as the least cool student on campus and we have circulated his name to all pubs, bars and nightclubs so they know never to let him in.”

Swooning and other things women in romance books got away with

BOOKS can teach you a lot about the world, and more importantly the amazing shit women used to get away with back in the time of shirtless pirates. Like this: 

Swooning

Absolutely hammered on Jägerbombs and unexpectedly visited by overwhelming emotions? Simply collapse to the floor and gentlemen will rush to carry you to a velvet couch to revive you with a fortifying absinthe. Swooning  rocked.

Blushing

Ever seen anyone’s face actually redden with passion? Excluding any gammon asked about millennials. Women blush when they’re deeply ashamed of the lame bollocks a bloke just pulled to get into her knickers.

Taking a reflective walk to clear the mind

Perhaps taking deep gulps of salt air is the best way to find clarity on one’s feelings about the strapping stableboy. Or perhaps that corseted lady was nipping off for a quick fag down the shore to chat up a lifeguard. Modern women have to take the dog, and the dogshit bag, with them.

Gasping

No one is gasping, with a hand flying to their mouth, at the sight of a duke unless they’re re-watching his interview with Emily Maitlis. We only gasp in horror at how short, ugly and bald our suitor is, not like his Tinder picture.

Saying everything with but one look

Try asking a woman about how many men have come up to her at a club convinced that she was giving them the eye, then you’ll understand just how effective a communication technique this is. If only ‘f**k off’ could be an eye gesture.

Bristling

Brushes have bristles. Women have a middle finger and a mouth to call you a twat with if they catch you looking down on their ‘inferior breeding’. Jane Austen cut that bit.

Next story ›