Last ‘older-looking kid who buys porn for friends’ retires

THE UK’s last working porn-getter has retired.

15-year-old Wayne Hayes, who earned valuable extra income buying copies of Razzle and Men Only for the younger kids in his village, quit last week after the area got broadband.

“I was a porn-getter since the age of 13, when I went through puberty overnight and was able to grow a beard which led the newsagent to overlook my school uniform.

“My father was a porn-getter too, thanks to always having a deep voice and big hands.

“The internet is ruining everything. At least I can still make a quid getting fags and drink for the lads in year eight, but I’m sure you’ll be able to download them soon too.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Taking your acoustic guitar to a party this weekend really draws a crowd as people queue up to watch you being beaten unconscious with it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This Saturday you’ll be signing books in the city centre branch of Waterstones from midday until they catch you doing it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your sexual preferences are pretty vanilla. Although ‘Vanilla’ is actually her stripper name.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The price limit for this year’s secret Santa at work is £5, which should be enough to get four £1 coins and some wrapping paper.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re not surprised seals are having sex with penguins. They’re really easy to pick up.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
After several complaints about workplace bullying you finally decide to wear a ski mask the next time you do it.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Frustration on Thursday after waiting ten days for a GP appointment when, in the waiting room, a chair-rattling fart rids you of your symptoms.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You considered yourself immune to religious propaganda but you definitely think Protestants are dicks because of Vicar Of Dibley.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After turning up at work at 10 30am on Monday you have some questions to answer, the first of which being “Weren’t you fired last month?”

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Disappointing news that inflation is up. Treating yourself to that Snickers bar will have to wait until the economy stabilises.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The toilets in your local have a sign saying “Please leave these facilities as you’d expect to find them’ and it’s frankly exhausting pissing all over the floor each time.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This is not a tax receipt. Obviously.