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It’s Always Pissing Down in Cumbria: the tourism slogans of 21 English counties

AS a summer of supporting our glorious Brexit by holidaying domestically looms, choose your destination by its honesty: 

Cornwall: It’s a Right F**k-on to Get Here, But Worth It

Devon: Not as Much of a F**k-on to Get to as Cornwall

Dorset: Not as Much of a F**k-on To Get To as Either Devon or Cornwall

Essex: 187 Love Island Contestants and Counting

East Sussex: We’re Like West Sussex, but With Fewer Arseholes

Norfolk: We Have Internet Now

North Yorkshire: God’s Own Country and By Christ We’ll Tell You Every Ten Minutes

Lancashire: North a Bit, North a Bit More, West A Bit: Here We Are

Durham: Posher Than the Rest of the North But That’s Not Saying Much

Northumberland: Come Drive Our Eight Miles of Dual Carriageway

It’s Always Pissing Down in Cumbria, and That’s Guaranteed

Cheshire: Where The Footballers Live

Rutland: Visit Rutland, if You Can Find Us on a Map

Worcestershire: Home of Britain’s Least Popular Sauce by Some Distance

Shropshire: Technically, Not Wales

Warwickshire: We’ve Got Shakespeare and He’s Better Than Anyone You’ve Got

Surrey: Don’t Come Here, We Don’t Want Visitors Thank You Very Much

Hertfordshire: So You Can’t Afford London

West Sussex: Visit West Sussex, We’re Like East Sussex but With Fewer Chavs

Isle of Wight: All the Fun of a Ferry Trip to France But Without the French at the End

Lincolnshire: You’ve Never Known Despair Like It

Pigs forced to change name and appearance by Percy Pigs

THE animals formerly known as pigs have been legally compelled to change their name and appearance by supreme litigators Percy Pigs. 

The case went to court after Percy Pigs, which had already shut down a gelato parlour, three rival sweet brands and a children’s puppeteer that week, discovered the millions of animals brazenly violating their established copyright.

A legal representative said: “Pigs, otherwise known as swine, hogs or sus domesticus, have 90 days to submit a new design which does not wantonly misuse the Percy likeness and brand.

“This is the cutthroat reality of children’s confectionery. There’s always someone trying it on, whether a five-year-old drawing stories issued a cease-and-desist order or a species of 784 million being farmed worldwide.

“The media paints Percy as the litigator, but we are very much the underdog. Enough is enough. Today’s the day we bring the trotters down.

“No one even wanted these ‘pigs’ before they took the name. And look at how they’ve reaped the rewards – cushy lives in factory farms, the general public palmed off with cheap imitations of the real thing that don’t even taste of strawberry.”

A spokesman for pigs said: “Call us after pork, ham or bacon instead. Since that’s all we’re good for to you f**king people.”

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