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Is it your fault the shopping bill costs twice as much? Take our quiz

THE cost of living has skyrocketed, and many people need urgent government help. But is there any chance that your own shopping costing double is down to… you?

Do you normally do the household shopping?

A) Yes. I try and price-match items to see which supermarket gives the best value.

B) No. My partner does it. She says I can’t be trusted to stick to the list. What list? It takes the creativity out of shopping if you don’t come back with a £35 lobster that stays in the freezer for years then gets binned because I’ve realised it’s a faff to cook.  

Do you fill a large trolley when a basket would do?

A) No. I estimate how many items I’ll be buying and use an appropriately sized carrier.

B) Always. You can’t ride on a basket. Although there need to be a lot of items in the trolley or it tips up.

Do you really need to only buy brands you’ve seen on TV?

A) No. I buy cheaper brands I don’t recognise if the product is similar.

B) Definitely. You don’t know what shit you’re buying if it hasn’t been tested by a reputable celebrity like Kerry Katona. Also my family might not love me if I don’t shop at a supermarket with adverts where everyone’s ecstatically happy about a pallid, flavourless, £2 chicken. Not that advertising affects me. I’m too clever for it to work.

Is it good economics to buy 24 discount yoghurts knowing they’ll be out of date tomorrow ?

A) No. it’s a waste of money. Just buy one.

B) Yes. It’s basic maths – the more you buy, the more you save. Tonight’s dinner will be an economical meal of five yoghurts and a bag of slimy salad. Anyway I got a brilliant deal on a impulse-buy bottle of cognac. That was only £40 because it was 50p off.

When are you going to use a long-handled hedge trimmer?

A) Never. That’s why I didn’t buy one.

B) As soon as I get a place with tall hedges. Or a garden. It was a bargain.

Mostly As: You’re acting responsibly and making the most of your money in these trying times. Good luck to you.

Mostly Bs: You are oblivious to the cost of living crisis. You spend in a reckless manner and will soon be deep in debt. Despite having shit for brains when it comes to money, you’d make an acceptable chancellor.

A kitchen island, and other signs of vast middle class kitchen wealth

YOU’VE got an enviable lifestyle, but are you rubbing other people’s noses in it enough? Forget Porsches and designer clothes, the real status symbols are these bourgeois kitchen accessories.

A kitchen island

Having an island in the middle of a room serves no purpose other than to say: ‘Look, peasants, our kitchen is so big we can fit an extra one in the middle of it.’ Maximise the showing off by sticking some wood on there so you can call it a ‘butcher block countertop’, whatever that’s meant to mean.

Some industrial crap

Paintings are passe, so get some custom-built, functionally useless exposed pipes. Opt for copper to ones to add unnecessary expense. If your kitchen looks like the engine room of a steampunk zeppelin you are superior to the rest of society, for some reason. 

Boiling taps

Nothing says ‘cash to burn’ like the ability to badly scald your hands at the touch of a button. Think of all the minutes you saved not having to fill a kettle and wait for it to boil. You can weave this fact into a brag about not having time to make a cup of tea because ‘Gerald’s counting on me to deliver our most ambitious marketing strategy to date’, or some other business wank.

An Aga

You need a sizeable inheritance to own an enormous Swedish oven that stays permanently on. And happens to cost 20 grand or more. For a cooker. In fairness they make really good toast, but to justify the cost you’d need a love of toasted bread that’s frankly a bit unhinged.

Head-to-toe le Creuset

To the untrained eye it’s just a bunch of coloured pots and plates. But actually the shittiest spoon costs a week’s wages for a poor person. If your guests don’t understand this and think you’ve just got a big orange casserole dish, explain in detail with prices. Sometimes you have to spell things out for the riffraff.

A second fridge for wine

When the rosé doesn’t even have to share the same refrigerated cabinet as the milk, that’s when you can proudly consider yourself a true middle class ponce.

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