IKEA is to open counselling stations on its shop floors to help couples through the trauma of buying its home furnishings, it has confirmed.
The Swedish retailer’s therapy areas will provide poor value for money, quickly fall apart when put to use, and lead to relationship strife in order to stay true to the overall brand.
IKEA spokesperson Lars Johansson said: “The counselling stations won’t appear anywhere on our baffling floor plans, so the ordeal of finding them will test the relationship of even the most compatible and happy couples.
“Once they’ve tracked them down though, feuding partners will be rewarded with unhelpful advice explained to them in a language they don’t understand. Don’t worry, they’ll be shown condescending diagrams of cartoon characters looking unhappy to get the point across.
“Then all they’ll have to do is lug their emotional baggage to the counter, fork out a shitload of money, and question why they bothered coming here. It’s a natural extension of our regular shopping experience.”
Customer Nikki Hollis said: “I’d like to imagine this is one IKEA product that won’t involve wrestling with an Allen key, but we all know they’ll find a way. They always do.”
