subscribe
/ Sign Out

I was up a f**king cross, not drinking prosecco from Waitrose, says Jesus

JESUS has reminded everyone that his Easter was more about getting crucified than enjoying chocolatey treats.

While fully in favour of Easter, Jesus believes supermarket alcohol offers and chocolate eggs do not reflect his lived experience of being whipped, scourged and nailed up.

He continued: “I’m not out to harsh anyone’s buzz. I just feel my sacrifice can’t be justly honoured by a chocolate rabbit.

“Sure, an egg hunt in the Garden of Gethsemane would’ve been fun, but I was too busy begging my Almighty Father not to let me die. Which he, you know, refused.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have died for mankind’s sins. I’m just annoyed I didn’t get any luxury hot cross buns with orange zesty bits when I was stuck in that tomb for ages.

“All I’m saying is there’s more to Easter than 85 per cent cocoa solids. From my perspective.”

Dog wondering if he came on too strong by sniffing other dog's arse

A DOG is paranoid that he overstepped the mark by running up to another dog and sniffing its anus.

Dog Wayne Hayes was just being ‘in the moment’ when he bounded up to the stranger, but in hindsight he can see why the other dog made no effort to exchange social media details.

He said: “I spoke to my therapist about it recently, and she said that whenever I meet a new dog in the park I should take a few seconds, think about it clearly and then walk up and introduce myself properly.”

“But when I saw this other dog in the park today I just thought ‘let’s be friends!’, and then before I knew it I was round the back of him having a good old sniff.

“Then when I regained my senses I calmly turned round and said, ‘I’m Wayne. It’s nice to meet you.’”

Other dog Roy Hobbs said: “As a collie I have some personal space issues, especially with the arse part of my personal space.

“It’s good to be friendly but maybe he could have just brought a ball over and dropped in on the ground in front of me.

“Then I would have been happy for us to run around together for a bit going mental.”

Next story ›