subscribe
/ Sign Out

Hipster with pipe admits he has gone too far this time

A HIPSTER has disgusted even himself with his latest affectation of smoking a pipe. 

Nathan Muir, a craft beer social media guru of Shoreditch, confessed that the pipe has tipped his daily uniform of blue-tinted glasses, three-inch squared-off beard and neck tattoos over the edge.

He said: “I even hate the smell of it. Cardomon tobacco? But of course I couldn’t have the ordinary kind.

“All the other man-buns sigh with resignation when I get the foul thing out – it’s a 1939 half-bent billiard – but I can’t drop it now, I’m committed.

“But honestly I caught my reflection when I was DJing at the barbers the other day, pipe clamped in teeth, and an instinctive loathing rose within me. My fists twitched. The H-A-T-E tattoo on my knuckles felt non-ironic.

“I think this might be it. I might finally be too horrified at what I’ve become to continue. I’m free.”

Married couple's night out not as good as their last one in 2002

A MARRIED couple have admitted their evening out yesterday was a let-down compared to that time in 2002.

48-year-old Tom Logan and wife Anne Logan, aged 47, went out on the town in Nottingham but found it very different to the last time, two decades ago.

Anne said: “I asked for chardonnay but they didn’t have any and recommended something called ‘prosecco’.

“That cost far too much. They’d raised their prices sharply. Tom’s gin-and-tonic was a tenner and they kept asking what gin he wanted. He had to say, ‘gin’.

“Nowhere was playing Will Young and even when they did have a proper song on from Magic 80s an angry man started rapping over it about some bitches. It was upsetting.”

“Also everyone seemed a bit young. Far too young really. I’m pretty sure we weren’t that young when we were young.”

Tom said: “And the music was too loud. Though that meant we didn’t have to make conversation or acknowledge that we’ve fundamentally changed as people and have nothing in common anymore.”

Next story ›