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'He must have had a f**king good reason for going to Durham' say people from Durham

DURHAM locals have confirmed that you would not decide to pay a visit to the ‘Coventry of the North’ unless you absolutely had to. 

After the city came under scrutiny because of Dominic Cummings’ visits during lockdown, people who live there are perplexed as to why he would have chosen such a shithole as an escape from London.

Tom Booker said: “Even if you needed to isolate your children, you wouldn’t expose them to Durham outside of a wartime scenario, or zombie invasion.

“Do his parents really live here? Is it worth endangering the lives of others just to visit Barnard Castle? I doubt it, whatever the National Trust leaflet says.

“Something else is going on here. I think he was either in possession of the lost Ark of the Covenant or scouting for places to create his autonomous killer robot army.

“There’s no way he would come here just because he thinks it’s nice.”

How have you changed for the worse during the lockdown?

THESE long weeks of house arrest have turned most of us into an even worse version of ourselves. In what ways have you become more of an arsehole than you already were?

You’ve lost all self-respect

You’re telling yourself you can pass your pyjama bottoms off as baggy summer trousers, and seriously believe that your attempts with the kitchen scissors mean there’s no reason to spend money on a haircut again, even though you look like Worzel Gummidge if he was made by a child.

You enjoy organised fun

You used to be an interesting person, but now you look forward to virtual quizzes and willingly participate in Facebook photo challenges. Most despicably of all, it’s actually bringing meaning to your life.

Your greatest ambition is a Morrison’s delivery slot 

A delivery slot is all you need to make you feel like you’ve achieved something. And you’ll happily go to dark lengths to achieve it, such as masquerading as your elderly neighbour.

You’re calling yourself a ‘foodie’

Just because you’ve learnt to describe pasta as ‘al dente’ when you haven’t cooked it properly, you’re proudly telling everyone you’re ‘a real foodie now’. People are really going to suffer when you start hosting dinner parties post-lockdown.

You love your sourdough starter more than your family

You’ve given a mixture of flour and water a human name and paid it more daily attention than any actual person in your household. You will choose to save the sourdough in the event of a fire.

 

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