Government to spend £9 billion making trains even worse

THE government has unveiled a package of annoying bullshit designed to make Britain’s rail system the most painful in the world.

The new irritations, designed to emphasise existing flaws, will be coupled with price rises to make a standard return from Leeds to London twice as expensive as Katie Price’s wedding.

David Cameron said: “We are already forcing weekend rail users onto replacement buses with drivers that have seemingly just woken from a coma, and delaying crowded trains so that perverts can frot themselves against fellow passengers.

“But with this extra push we can achieve badness on a global scale.”

The £9 billion will be broken down as follows:

• £750m to create new high-tech buffet cars which will sell two kinds of sandwich, both tasting of verukas
• £2bn electrifying trains from the Welsh valleys which will humanely kill anyone trying to escape the region
• £1.3m to remove 75 per cent of seating from First Class to stop businessmen with MacBooks from worrying they might have to share a table
• £1bn on subsidising sales of giant bars of chocolate that are permanently on offer at WH Smiths in train stations
• £840m doubling the number of comatose squaddies on trains from Scotland
• £1bn to put a crumpled, grease-stained copy of Metro on every seat.

The remaining £2.1bn is an executive bonus pot, to be paid when the first passenger daubs ‘Help Me’ on the inside of a carriage with their own bodily fluids.

Transport secretary Caroline Greening said: “This investment is key if we want to develop a rail system for the 21^st century that, due to a train driver being stranded in Rugby, won’t arrive until the 22^nd century.”