FOR many parents, your kids going back to school is a distant dream and you’ve used up all your ideas for child-friendly fun. Here are five projects if you’re utterly desperate.
Feed any animal you can find
You’ve fed the ducks in the park, so find more things to feed. Throw fistfuls of oven chips at seagulls, or see if a squirrel can carry a scotch egg. If you live in a city, there are diseased urban foxes and terrifying rats. Don’t worry if they make your children burst into tears, they’ll just cry themselves tired. Hey presto! Early bedtime.
‘Upcycle’ some toys
Not all toys need to be brand new, some just need a makeover. For example, take an old doll and cut off all its hair. Now dress it in the oddest selection of clothes you can find from the other dolls. Finally draw an arrogant scowl on its face with biro. Voila! Your child is the first in the street to own a Dominic Cummings doll.
Introduce them to the real world of baking
Instead of getting them to make twee little cupcakes, introduce them to the exhausting world of the professional baker. Get them kneading and proving the dough for eight hours a day with their tiny hands until they can make perfect crusty loaves and mixed olive focaccia. They might even be the next Paul Hollywood, although no parent really wants that.
Cautionary DIY tattoos
Your kids are going to get tattoos when they’re older, whether it’s your son getting a full sleeve despite being soft as shite or your daughter getting a drunken love heart at 3am just off the Malia strip. So get out the marker pens and encourage them to ‘tattoo’ themselves. Then mock them ruthlessly as a valuable lesson in what it is like to be covered in shit drawings.
A massive stick
Back in the day, every kid loved a big stick. You can poke stuff with it, throw it like a javelin, whack it against a tree and nearly have your eye out with it. Massive sticks need to come back – they’re nature’s PlayStation.
