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Everyone meets in park to bitch about the twats they live with

ENGLAND has been making the most of the freedom to meet a lone friend in a park to mouth the hell off about their f**khead partners.

Relaxed lockdown rules mean swathes of frustrated couples and flatmates have rushed to the nearest green space to offload eight weeks’ of petty grievances.

Donna Sheridan of Shrewsbury said: “I’ve spoken to my sister on the phone every day, but Dan was always there. I couldn’t really unload about his athlete’s foot and braying laugh and impotence.

“From two metres away, I vented hatred and shared my fantasies about repeatedly bashing him in the face with a brick of bread ruined because he dicked around with my sourdough starter. And it felt so good.”

Sister Sarah admitted: “I hope they relax the rules a bit more soon, so we can meet in groups and I don’t have to be alone on the receiving end of any more of this couples shit.

“I met my mum in the afternoon. I thought it’d be really emotional, but all she did was bang on about what a selfish arsehole my dad is. And also she hates the dog.”

What shit are you buying to cheer yourself up?

BORED of all this? Go online and buy yourself a morale-boosting treat that you won’t want by the time it arrives. But what? 

Trainers

We’ve all got to exercise, and it’s pretty much the only time most of us are outside, so basically the entire spectrum of fashion is reduced to trainers. And now they’re for exercise all those breathable uppers and air-cushioned soles and all the other bollocks are totally justified, so don’t skimp.

Fancy booze

So bored of drinking you’re at the cocktail stage? It takes more than just a shaker; you’ll need a cocktail cabinet stocked with stuff like amaretto, Angostura bitters and Blue Curacao. Order the lot, have a crazy night, remember the throbbing hangover for the rest of your life and never touch them again.

Bath crap

You need to relax. So an insanely expensive basket of bath oils, scented candles and skincare products has been delivered for the ultimate home spa experience. But after an hour stewing in a steaming bath, you realise what’s stressing you out: it’s this global pandemic, which a nice bath can’t cure.

Vinyl

There’s never been a better time to build up your vinyl collection. Replace the albums you used to have on cassette with vinyl, the albums you had on CD with vinyl, and the albums you used to have on vinyl with better vinyl. Then look at their covers while you stream.

Increasingly elaborate garden stuff

Your garden’s where you’ll be holidaying this summer, so spare no expense. Get fancy new chairs, a fire pit, strings of solar lights and an outdoor stereo system. Then stay in because the weather’s shit and the telly’s better than a sunset anyway.

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