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'Epic fail' and five other phrases that are past their sell-by date

KEEPING up with the linguistic pace online is a minefield. If you want to look like you’re up to date with the latest tedious phrases, make sure you avoid these:

ROFL

It’s been a long time since anyone has rolled on the floor having any kind of fun, let alone laughing. If you’re the kind of person that still insists on popping a ROFL into a text you are not only insensitive to the fact that everyone is currently having a nightmare, but also woefully behind the times.

Spirit animal

We all have one irritating tit of a friend who has texted something like ‘OMG Jameela Jamil is totes my spirit animal’. Luckily for everyone that phrase is now deservedly past it. If they text it again, delete their number.

Because

Somewhere back before Trump and Brexit someone did something annoying with grammar in an attempt to be cute, and suddenly everyone was saying things like ‘I can’t come camping because weather’ or ‘I love Tom Hardy because sexual charisma’. Trump and Brexit are now done, just like this stupid way of talking.

Yass Queen

Sounds fine coming out of the mouth of a 1980s New York drag queen, but less cool now it’s so ubiquitous that your mum says it when you tell her you’ve received a modest pay rise. Leave it alone and return to something more easily manageable for someone like you, such as ‘Nice one’.

Epic fail

There’s something very 2006 about the phrase ‘epic fail’, which makes the user sound like a teenage boy who’s just discovered a video of people falling off of skateboards on this cool new thing called YouTube. Best left in the past, along with things also big back then like Britney’s career and the Wii.

Romantic meal ruined by annoying life-partner

A WOMAN’S romantic evening meal has been ruined by the presence of her prick of a boyfriend.

Emma Bradford went to the trouble of making confit duck and lighting candles, only to have to share her table with the tedious man who has not been out of her sight for 10 months.

Bradford said: “I thought a date night would be fun, given how difficult things are at the moment, but unfortunately the only person I was able to invite was my boyfriend Nathan.

“I was hoping for an evening of fizzing sexual tension and instead I got to hear his anecdote about the time his friend Steve threw up in a Vauxhall Astra whilst getting a hand shandy for the millionth time.

“Also he spits food everywhere when he talks. I’ve somehow filtered it out on a day-to-day basis but it’s disgusting. If this was a real date, I’d leg it while he was in the toilet.

“Unfortunately, we’ve got a mortgage together so it’s not an option. Still, at least we’ve been together long enough that he knows there’s no chance of any sex tonight.”

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