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Educated women unable to find men despite willingness to accept some twattish qualities

INTELLIGENT young women are struggling to find partners despite being open to men who are sometimes a bit twattish.

As it emerged that many degree-educated females are now freezing their eggs, woman confirmed that they are not even that fussy.

29-year-old graduate Mary Fisher said: “We don’t even expect that much. I could handle a bloke who, while having some good qualities, is still occasionally a bit of a twat about things like who drives the hire car on holiday.

“The problem is that most of them are total twats, as evidenced by my dating apps full of men who like ‘the gym and protein drinks’, ‘fit birds with slamming bods’ and ‘banging tunes’.”

32-year-old account executive Susan Traherne said: “I’m really not mega picky. I’d probably go out with Eamonn Holmes if he was single, or whoever currently plays Compo in Last of the Summer Wine.

“I just want a man who doesn’t own more toiletries than me while also being weirdly aggressive. Ideally he will have read at least one book voluntarily, even if it’s just about soldiers.”

Is it hot, or too hot? Take the Mash test

IT’S SUMMER, the sun is blazing down, and it’s nice and hot. Or is it too hot?

Take our simple test to find out if you should be ‘loving’ the sweltering heat or complaining bitterly.

You’re walking down the street. Are you:

A) Smiling, cheerily greeting strangers, enjoying the warm tingle of the rays and the dappled shadows of the plane trees.

B) Sweating like a bastard, swearing at the chugging diesel engine of an idling taxi, and fanning yourself with a copy of the Metro.

How do you get to work?

A) By taking a bus or train, either is fine and you can read a book on the way.

B) Through an eternity of suffering in Hell.

You work in:

A) An ordinary office with colleagues that perhaps can be a little annoying but mean well, and you all enjoy a laugh together.

B) An unbearable slow-roasting oven with only the company of other melting, red-faced mutes and their overactive sweat glands.

What do you have for lunch?

A) Something light, perhaps a salad, and an iced coffee sitting outside soaking up the sun like a flower.

B) A box of ten rocket lollies.

Your partner touches their bare skin against yours. Do you:

A) Lean into them, enjoying the closeness, and perhaps share a lingering kiss.

B) Swat their filthy, sticky flesh away while screeching “Stay on your fucking side of the sofa, imagine there’s a line in the middle”.

How do you sleep?

A) Like a baby, nestled under the duvet with a loved one, cosy and cuddled all the night through.

B) From 4am to 6am, sitting upright on the sofa, staring at the flickering television screen with the haunted eyes of the lost soul.

 

ANSWERS: 

Mostly A’s: It’s lovely and hot, perfect weather for a barbecue in the garden or bottle of wine on the balcony. Anyone complaining about it is a miserable killjoy.

Mostly B’s: It is much too fucking hot. Fuck this.

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