subscribe
/ Sign Out

Driving fast through puddles best thing about being an adult

SPLASHING water everywhere while driving along waterlogged roads is the key to peak happiness in adulthood, a survey has found.

The experience beat childbirth, big televisions and finally untangling headphone cables for pure joy, especially if soaking someone from head to foot.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Adulthood is dull. Driving cars is mostly dull. But careering through deep water at a speed that’s less than sensible, sending up a huge sheet of spray, that’s the best.

“We have long known that ducks and toddlers like puddles, and we now have confirmation that grown men and women also like to splish-splosh around without giving two hoots about the consequences.

“The optimum conditions are where the puddle can’t be avoided, more than two people are soaked, and when the spray makes a wonderful rainbow in the rear-view mirror over their pathetic shaking fists.

“The next BMW 8 Series ads will feature a blissful driver soaking a festival queue of 35 people. Amazing they’ve not done it before.”

Wayne Hayes of Hereford said: “I love a burst water pipe or a flash flood. Accelerating through ankle-high water, I feel like Vin Diesel. Except I’m in a Yaris on an A road.”

Brexit party will only stand in seats where there is no possibility it will affect the result

THE Brexit party has agreed only to stand in seats where their candidacy will not affect the result in any way. 

Nigel Farage has confirmed he will not be standing candidates anywhere the Conservatives won last time, anywhere that Labour might beat the Conservatives and anywhere else Boris Johnson ‘likes the look of’.

The move means that the Brexit party will now only contest a handful of safe SNP seats, a number of wards in extreme liberal metropolitan areas and the Green Party-held Brighton Pavilion.

Farage explained: “There obviously wasn’t any danger we’d win. But unlike Euro and council elections, this one matters. I didn’t want it on my conscience that we’d had some kind of indirect effect.

“So we’ll only be fighting in Labour heartlands, in left-wing London seats where we’ll be greeted with utter revulsion, and anywhere held by Sinn Fein. Hoping for a vote share of under two per cent.

“Our candidates are relieved – they didn’t want their families finding out – and of course Boris Johnson is very grateful. I’m sure he’ll reward me. Quite sure.”

The prime minister said: “Grateful? Because he did what I wanted? That’s the bare minimum everyone should do, all the time.”

Next story ›