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Driver generously allows humble pedestrians to cross road with regal hand gesture

A BENEVOLENT motorist has permitted a group of pedestrians to cross the road with a noble flourish of his wrist.

Joe Turner was driving down a residential street when he took pity on some inferior carless people standing by the kerb. In an act of heartwarming charity, Turner grandly swept his open hand from left to right like a king granting them right of passage.

Turner said: “I don’t want to make a big thing of it, but it’s nice to give something back. Those types of underclass pauper have enough trouble in their lives without being stuck trying to cross a road for ages.

“The look on their faces is always priceless. People are delighted that a busy, important man in his own car would be thoughtful enough to let them go first. Sometimes they even swear at me because they are so overwhelmed.”

Pedestrian Eleanor Shaw said: “Yeah, it was nice that he let us cross over, but did he really need to gesture with his hand like he was presenting us with the crown jewels?

“You could stomach it if it came from someone in a Rolls Royce or a Bentley, because they’re obviously idiots with more money than sense, but he was only driving a Nissan Almera. I’ve got a much nicer car than that in my garage.”

Tips for having a better orgasm that will not work for you, with the Mash sex columnist

SO impressed with yourself you’ve decided you’re too good for ordinary orgasms? Want to have the kind of exclusive seven-star M&S orgasm others simply cannot achieve? 

Reach beyond the everyday dockers’ spunk-shoot with these climax-plus tips guaranteed to put extra splash into your waterfall. And if they fail to work it’s your fault:

Abandon orgasm as a goal

‘There’s more to sex than an orgasm,’ says nobody worth listening to. Why, in the name of Sting, would anyone put up with all those secretions and odours and wiry hairs without the promised flash of ecstasy at the end of it? Nobody’s even going to bother pulling their jeans down to their knees. You’re not in this for the long game.

Genital-focused exercise

Get the blood flowing down there and reactivate your libido, you were promised when you signed up for a 5K. But now your hamstrings are so sore you wince watching porn and fall asleep during foreplay. The testosterone could be flowing through you like it was through Lance Armstrong in 2003, but you’re too knackered to know.

Delay gratification

Practised by the many, many boyfriends who never bothered to make you come, this time it’s a choice. Carrying each other to the very edge of climax then backing tantalisingly away is perfect for those with too much time and energy, ie the young who can orgasm twice an hour anyway. For you, with zero patience or restraint, it’s less popular and would eat into your nightly ritual of staring dead-eyed into space questioning your life choices.

Time it perfectly

Ladies, if you’re chasing the multiple orgasm dragon, get f**king during that hot, hot, 48 hours at the beginning of your cycle when you’re ultra sensitive and up for it. Except he’s bound to have a work trip those specific days, or to gorge on curry, and you’ll end up pleasing yourself because you’re super horny so when you actually have sex you’ve already come and fake it to stop him being crestfallen.

Up your connection

Forget foreplay of the frottage kind and try just being with your sexual partner. Choosing to communicate in person, not through Instagram, and spending a long evening not watching TV. Everyone who knows anything about good sex reaps the benefits of this advice. You both agree you’ll take a slightly worse orgasm over this torture.

Put in the work

The more you put in, the more you get out. But life is short and films are long. Can you be arsed spending the ever-decreasing years between now and the grave researching and applying better orgasm techniques? The perfunctory climaxes you’ve been managing so far will do just fine. Admit defeat and get your highs from hi-fi turntables and Bake-Off blooper reels.

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