Doorway voted number one place to stand by toddlers

THE doorway is the best place to stand because you block everyone’s exit, according to toddlers.

A new toddler poll found that ‘halfway in the car’ was also a popular choice followed by ‘right in front of the telly’ and ‘just generally in your way’.

Dad-of-two, Tom Hollis from Leeds, said: “I have been trying to leave for work for three hours but my two-year-old is just standing right in the front doorway like some kind of twatty little bouncer.

“I tried asking nicely and physically moving him but he threatened to bar me from outside for good!

“Then I tried stepping over him but he head-butted me in the balls.

“Looks like I’ll have to climb out of the fucking window again.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Woman makes three-course meal from crumbs found in bra

A WOMAN has managed to create a lavish dinner comprised entirely of the food remnants collected in her bra during the day.

Emma Bradford said: “You know what it’s like, you come in after a long day at work and the cupboards are bare, so you have a rustle around in your bra to see what you can whip up from whatever you dropped down yourself in the day.

“Fortunately, it was an excellent haul. I’d had a pack of Mini Cheddars, so I reassembled some of the crumbs and combined them with a drop of congealed tomato soup to make a sort of bruschetta appetiser.

“For the main course, I stuffed a black olive I found into a bit of penne that might actually be from yesterday and sprinkled on what I hope were herbs.

“I don’t usually have dessert, but I was feeling a bit indulgent, so I put together a little something from the bits of popcorn that fell in when I went to the cinema. I stuck them on a bit of leftover Philadelphia and made what I call my ‘silver screen cheesecake.’

“Nigella does this all the time.”

Bradford’s boyfriend, Tom Booker, said: “I don’t care how close to her breasts it’s been, I’m not eating that.”

Next story ›