Desperate hipster wonders when it's all going to end  

A SAD hipster is desperate to know when he can go back to being normal.

Julian Cook confirmed he is not sure how much more bullshit he can do to convince people he is worthy of attention.

He said:  “I’ve had my entire body tattooed by the age of 24 and I have a huge beard that’s an absolute pain in the arse to manage. I think my reproductive organs are fucked too due to these ridiculously tight jeans.

“And what’s with drinking £12 artisan peach cider out of a jar? When can I go back to just having a pint of Stella?

“Someone please make it stop. But do it ironically so that it’s stops in a really cool way.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, added: “Unfortunately for Mr Cook, the next stage of hipsterdom will be wearing one of those little caps that have a propeller on them while listening to Marillion.

“My teenage son is already doing all of those things and it’s one of the reasons I hate him.”

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London is the world’s friendliest city, now f**k off, say residents

A SURVEY to find the world’s friendliest city has been told in no uncertain terms that it is London, unless the researchers have a problem with that.

The researchers returned from London stressing just how welcoming the people were and that they never want to talk about their trip ever again.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The people of London are incredibly friendly. They were absolutely adamant about that.

“In fact they were so friendly that they got quite angry that we could even insinuate there was any doubt as to how friendly they are. Please don’t make me go back there.”

Critics have suggested the survey was flawed as researchers were unable to interview 99.9 percent of the city’s residents as they were far too busy to stop and be friendly.

Londoner Wayne Hayes said: “Someone stepped out in front of me with a questionnaire, so I did the friendliest thing I could think of and shoulder-barged her to the ground.”

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