subscribe
/ Sign Out

Degenerate freaks without families don't deserve help, political leaders confirm

PEOPLE who are not members of ‘hard-working families’ are strange freaks of nature who do not deserve government help, all major parties have confirmed.

Single people, childless couples and those in any kind of non-traditional relationship may as well not exist and certainly will not receive any assistance if struggling this winter.

A cross-party spokesman said: “There’s not much that unites the political parties, but they all agree that the only people who matter are hard-working families. It’s the only group they talk about, if you listen carefully.

“Anyone who doesn’t fall into that bracket doesn’t count as a citizen of this country, especially if they’re sad, lonely singletons. Gays are problematic too. And definitely those polyamorous weirdoes.

“Being widowed is acceptable and single parents are tolerated, because they were once part of a family, even though they ultimately f**ked it up.

“Also, you have to work hard, which only counts if you do an 80-hour week and never get to see your kids. That’s what happy, healthy family life is all about.

“So yeah, we’ve all agreed. Apart from the Green Party, but everyone knows they’re just a bunch of depraved, vice-ridden hippies. Without kids, probably.”

'What the frigging f**k?' and other reasonable reactions to Iceland loans for food

ICELAND is offering loans for hard-up shoppers to buy food. If you’re wondering if this is some new low for Britain, you’re not alone. Here’s what you’re probably thinking.

How the hell is this meant to work?

Sure, we take out loans for much larger sums all the time, eg. a car loan. But there’s a slight difference – you don’t eat a car. When your food is gone, you’ll need another loan. So you’ve basically got one shop on tick for a couple of weeks. At last, poverty is solved!

What the frigging f**k?

Yeah. Borrowing between £25 and £100, even if it’s interest-free, for basic food items, has a hint of the Dickensian about it. Maybe you should take your warmest coat to the pawnbroker. Or go door-to-door asking if they can spare a piece of coal or some tasty bacon rind.

Is this any sort of solution?

It might work if you have a strange financial situation whereby you’re occasionally totally skint then suddenly okay. But, as noted, chances are you’ll soon need another loan. It’s unlikely that in the two weeks max it takes to eat £100 of food you’ll have gone from minimum wage to working for an investment bank.

What about the poor bastards who aren’t eligible?

Iceland is clear you won’t get a loan if you can’t pay it back, which, in fairness, is the right thing to do. But if you don’t get the loan you’ve presumably got no food AND the humiliation of telling people ‘I couldn’t get a 25 quid loan from Iceland’. That’s ignominy close to being caught ‘interfering’ with a sheep. 

Isn’t this the government’s responsibility?

‘Ensuring your citizens have enough to eat’ definitely should be on the government’s ‘to do’ list. Especially in a financial crisis. The Tories are notoriously against ‘handouts’ on ideological grounds, but in the last week they’ve done f**k all because they’re busy furthering their ambitions or on bloody holiday.  

Can you only eat Iceland food?

Obviously. Iceland aren’t going to all that trouble so you can spend your loan in Sainsbury’s. So you’d better be a fan of their range, skewed as it is toward frozen potato smiley faces and Bernard Matthews Jurassic World Turkey Dinosaurs. Also the famous £2.50 kebab meat pizza now comes in a stuffed crust version, so fill your boots.

Next story ›