SOME words created from smashing two others together are useful, like internet or biopic. These ought to have been drowned at birth:
Chillax – from chill and relax
Said by people who venerate prosecco, observe gin o’clock nightly and whose kitchens have wanky wooden boards saying ‘In this house happiness is homemade’. Chillax ought to be repurposed to mean ‘Children, look away as I smash your parents’ wanky wooden boards with an axe’.
Floordrobe – from floor and wardrobe
You’re not a 16-year-old wallowing in a torpor of masturbation. You’re in your 40s with a flat, a car and a responsible job. So stop leaving your clothes on the bedroom floor and put them in the wardrobe or at least on a twatty little rail. And stop eating toast in bed.
Japandi – from Japanese and Scandinavian
The latest interior design trend is a mash-up of Japanese minimalism and Scandinavian functionality, like if Ikea sold paper-and-bamboo desks. We have a good shot at killing the word before it gains traction if we pull together in a show of British unity not seen since Boaty McBoatface. All we need to do is kill anyone who says Japandi.
Glamping – from glamorous and camping
Camping sucks. So glamping was invented, allowing couples who want that festival vibe without the all-pervading dampness to sleep in yurts and discuss their property portfolios as they sip Sauvignon Blanc in a wooden hot tub. Costs the same as a hotel.
Gastropub – from gastronomy and pub
To transform your pub into a gastropub throw all your plates in a skip and replace them with anything, absolutely anything. Bits of slate your roofer mate can’t be arsed to flytip, cut-up planks dredged from the canal, the covers of old Guinness World Record books. Then offer burgers stabbed with a toothpick served with chips in a shoe.
Chuggers – from charity and muggers
The reason for the death of the high street? Chuggers. To go shopping is to run a gauntlet of young people pestering you for money and making you feel guilty for buying clothes you don’t need and won’t wear. You don’t get that at home, unless you’ve got kids.
Twincest – from twins and incest
Made famous by Game of Thrones, which featured twins Cersei and Jaime Lannister at it in the monarchical tradition. But when are we likely to need this term again? Hopefully never?
Brexit – from Britain and exit
An utter omnishambles as it now appears Boris Johnson knew on day one. The twunt.
