subscribe
/ Sign Out

Children raise half-term bribe level

THE UK’s children have increased their price for not being little bastards during half-term.

Fuck you, pay me

Pre-adolescents are still open to offers of sweets, cinema visits, toys or their cash equivalent but indicated that times have changed since last year.

Eight-year-old Helen Archer said: “You think we’re gonna be bought off by a trip to soft play? My friend, I just doubled my price.

“Try soft play and a blue slushie and a balloon and we’re still just getting started.

“You give with the goods and maybe, maybe you don’t find a horse’s head in your bed tomorrow, and maybe that horse isn’t Rainbow Dash and you won’t be playing My Little Pony at 5.30am.

“Capisce?”

The children have warned that offers of fruit, craft sessions at the library or educational play with wooden toys will be taken as a declaration of war.

Parenting organisations have cautioned that paying blackmailers only escalates demand, with a handful of Star Mix on Monday inevitably leading to a Wii U by the end of the week.

Mother of three Mary Fisher said: “They’re already bleeding me white, and now they want more?

“Okay, okay, I’ll remortgage the house, I’ll do anything. Just please stop screaming.”

Man thinks he gets a lot of emails

UNEMPLOYED Wayne Hayes is under the impression that 12 emails a day is a lot.

Hayes, from Lowestoft, told friends that keeping on top of his various electronic subscriptions and special online offers is exhausting and that he finds himself dedicating the best part of each day to managing them.

He said: “I get them constantly, sometimes three or four in a single hour.

“No sooner have I deleted my monthly phone bill, then I get something about a new ITV show that I have to go and read about. If it’s not a blogpost on LinkedIn, it’s an update on a petition about badgers.”

“I go to the kitchen for fifteen minutes to have a bowl of cereal and there’s another new one when I get back. Surely we’ve reached saturation point.”

Hayes said that he had considered deleting his email account, since dealing with a dozen or so emails on a daily basis was taking up all the time and energy that he might otherwise be using to look for work.

“By the time I’m done with all my admin, there’s barely any time left for me to browse Facebook and Twitter and Reddit and Tumblr while masturbating distractedly.

“I try to unwind in the evening by playing Elder Scrolls Online for a few hours, but the whole process starts again as soon as I get out of bed the next day at 11.”

Next story ›