subscribe
/ Sign Out

Center Parcs is Brexit heaven, scientists confirm

CENTER Parcs is heaven for people who voted Leave, it has been confirmed.

Research by the Institute for Studies found Center Parcs was the dream destination for anyone who likes Brexit, because it feels like a lovely British village but under a protective dome.

Leave voter and holidaymaker Donna Sheridan said: “It wasn’t about having it in for foreigners.

“I know you asked me why I like Center Parcs, but I just felt I had to tell you that first. It was about getting more money for the NHS.”

Fellow Leave voter Norman Steele added: “I love Center Parcs as it’s the type of place where you can read the Daily Mail whilst going down a water slide and no one will look twice at you.

“They also do archery here which is great if you want to build hand-eye coordination, or perhaps protect your borders from the French.

“I do hope once Brexit goes through that they will change the name to Center Parks instead of Center Parcs. It’s just a bit more British, isn’t it?”

Woman who is her own harshest critic gives glowing review again

A WOMAN who claims to be highly critical of herself has decided she is doing brilliantly.

Nikki Hollis is apparently always asking how she can perform better in her job and personal life, but usually finds she is great at everything.

Marketing assistant Hollis said: “I ask things like ‘Could I be doing more to make the company successful?’ and the answer is ‘no’ because sometimes I stay as late as half five.

“At the gym I ask if I should push myself harder, but going twice a month is a pretty big commitment for a busy professional like me, and I always walk miles on the running machine.

“I’m self-critical about everything. Today I questioned whether I made the most of the weekend, but actually I did because I went to the pub and watched all those repeats of Come Dine With Me.

“One area I could improve on is friendships. I’m so sparky and fun to be around I think my friends get jealous, so I should pretend to be a bit dull like them.”

Hollis added that she “works incredibly hard” at her relationship with partner Rob, and is never afraid to try adventurous bedroom things like leaving the light on.

Next story ›