Britain Now At Its Most Outraged Since 1747

BRITAIN is now more appalled and outraged than at any point in the last 260 years, it has been confirmed.

Historians said the country now risked descending into a state of permanent outrage, accompanied by constant high-pitched screaming and nostril foam.

Tom Logan, professor of the history of outrage at Reading University, said: "You really have to go back to 1747 to find British society in a more frenzied and pathetic condition.

"Of course back then there was no Daily Mail and so thousands of outraged people, in search of similarly disturbed companionship, were forced to admit themselves to the local asylum."

The year 1747 began with the opening of the world's first venereal disease clinic in London, offering treatments for 'genital pustulence' and 'cockpoxes'. By mid-April the Jacobite Lord Lovat had been beheaded on Tower Hill for making jokes about the King's blisters.

As the War of the Austrian Succession reached its peak, the Scottish doctor James Lind caused women to faint and men to vomit with his 'revolting assertion' that scurvy could be prevented by the careful application of a large grapefruit.

Meanwhile Dr Samuel Johnson began work on his Dictionary of the English Language and confirmed his determination to include the word 'snatch'.

From The Weekly Journal, April the Twenty Fourth
Mr Garrick, an actor, has scandalised all London with his bawdy missive to the Earl of Carnarvon in which he makes claim to have brushed past his Lordship's niece, the Honourable Lady Elizabeth Herbert, at the Covent Garden, and if he, the Earl, was displeased with this occurrence, Mr Garrick would, on a weekday of his choosing, contrive to sneak into his Lordship's bedchamber and leave a ripe fig in his thunderpot.

From The British Gazetteer, September the Twelfth
Mr Simpkins, a wheelwright, caused a perturberance when, at around three o' clock of the after-noon, he remarked unto his fellows, and all souls within earshot, that the drivers of carts, coaches and Stanhope carriages were little better than Frenchmen who would, given a mind, pass all their days throttling the life out of tuppenny strumpets. Simpkins was served most hastily with a Notice of Rebuttal by the Royal and Honourable Company of Cartists and was later that day informed that his service and chattels would no longer be required by His Grace, the Duke of Clarence.

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'Nam That Tune

My Big Gap Year with Poppy Spalding

THURSDAY: HANOI

This week finds me in Hanoi, Vietnam – a place I've no real need to come to as I practically spent most of my childhood here. Not physically of course, but my Uncle Steve used to make us all watch Platoon every time we went over his house so I know this place like the back of my hand.

Charlie Sheen once said of Vietnam, 'I think I've made a big mistake in coming here, Grandma'. But the again he smoked crack all day and didn't know what he was talking about. Hanoi is not that bad.

Sometimes, when travelling, you have to get elbow deep in some pretty delicate situations. Like you, I had heard about Vietnam's 'little problem' and so I've decided I might lend the Hanoi police a bit of assistance dealing with all their dirty 'paeds'. I believe I'm the right person for the job. For a start, I'm young – the paeds can relate to that. Second, my English is pretty good. And third, I've actually got experience in this field: one time I grassed-up Mr Churm, my second year chemistry teacher because he touched me on the tit as I was getting Bunsen burners out of the store cupboard.

But perhaps the most important thing about me is that I understand that paeds are actually psychologically damaged and must be treated accordingly. You have to speak slowly and carefully because their brains don't work like normal peoples. Take Paul Gadd for example. To me, the alarm bells should have started ringing when he chose his stage name. He could have taken any name in the world yet he still picked 'Gary'. I think when you're choosing a glam-rock name, you should try not to stray too far from your original name, thus avoiding problems with passports and the inevitable extradition process. A small tweak here and there and Paul Gadd becomes Paul Godd. This is a much better stage name, and creates an instant bond with whoever you're speaking to as many people place their trust in Godd.

But of course, my job here is not to instruct paeds on how to appear more trustworthy. In many ways that would actually be counter productive. I'm just illustrating how easy it is for me to slip inside the mind of the beast. Sometimes you need to act selflessly and take one for the team – just like Willem Dafoe when he got shot twenty-five times in the back to Barber's Adagio for Strings. It was this wonderful example of self sacrifice and a totally amazing tune that inspired me to come to the 'Nam and do my own tour of duty. But with paeds instead of gooks. And that is what makes Hanoi the greatest city in the world.

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