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Brexiter’s excuses increasingly bollocks

A MAN’S excuses for problems clearly caused by Brexit are getting increasingly desperate.

‘Leave’ voter Martin Bishop has been struggling to convince people that all the bad things experts predicted were nonsense, due to them all starting to happen.

Bishop said: “The pound has plummeted but that’s excellent news for exports and tourism. Think what a boost it will be to those souvenir stalls selling teddy bears dressed as Beefeaters.

“Yes, shares have lost billions in value, but that makes it easier for ordinary people to own them. Everyone agrees with that, except maybe if you’ve lost half your life savings.

“And it’s probably just a coincidence that loads of racist attacks occurred at the most nationalistic moment in recent history since the Falklands.”

Colleague Donna Sheridan said: “Martin thinks everything supports Brexit. Today he said making it harder to travel in Europe would ‘rejuvenate classic holiday resorts like Clacton-on-Sea’.

“He also said racism helps unite us all against racism. I really need him to shut up.”

George W Bush picks up mobile, sees who’s calling, puts it down

FORMER president George W Bush has picked up his iPhone, looked at the caller, returned it to his pocket and continued his round of golf. 

The retired politician, who was president between 2000 and 2008, was then seen staring into the middle distance and grimacing before jovially returning to his game.

Caddy Wayne Hayes of Dallas said: “The guys he was playing with were like ‘If that was the wife, you’re in trouble,’ and he was like ‘Naw, dude I used to work with.’

“Then he said ‘You know when you work with a guy, and you get on great, but then somehow he gets the idea you’re buddies outside of work and you’re like uh, maybe not?’.

“‘We had fun back in the day, tore up some shit, but he keeps calling even though I ain’t answered in eight goddamn years, can you believe that?’

“One of his partners said ‘You sure this ain’t a chick, Dubs?’ and Bush was like, rolling his eyes while they all laughed.

“After that, he dismissed it from his mind and finished the round. Beat his handicap by three. Had a pretty good day.”

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