subscribe
/ Sign Out

Barratt Homes admit they've no idea where the houses come from, who is building them or why

BARRATT Homes have confessed they have no idea who designs, builds or orders their identical housing estates or why they keep appearing everywhere.

The construction giant, responsible for hundreds of new-build estates that seemingly materialise overnight, has admitted the processes involved are a total mystery to it.

A spokesperson said: “We buy the land and the houses appear, all the same, all creepily close together. We’re baffled as to how.

“We didn’t even plan to be a housing company. We bought a plot of land to graze ponies. But then, one day, these little brick boxes popped up from nowhere, like crop circles filled with MDF.

“From a distance they look like liveable homes but close-up, each one’s slightly off. Bedrooms too small for beds, six toilets but no wardrobes, tiny gardens that are nothing but rubble below the surface. Like an alien’s idea of a human home.

“We only tried to sell them out of desperation and then people bought them for shitloads. We couldn’t believe it. I know there’s a housing crisis but come on, £400,000 for a kitchen the size of a shower cubicle and walls the thickness of birthday cards?

“Still, it’s concerning. At the present rate our new-build estates will cover the entirety of the UK by 2046. What happens then? Are they a trap? Will they vanish as suddenly as they appeared, with their occupants? I try not to think about it.”

Fellate Paddington: How Sunak can claw back his patriotic credentials

SUNAK hates Britain and backed the Nazis during World War Two, most Britons now believe. This is what he must do to show he’s a hardcore flag-shagger: 

Blow Paddington

Collective delusions around Paddington and our late Queen mean he’s now considered to be our very own Grim Reaper, ushering deceased patriots to an afterlife of cucumber sandwiches and warm beer. And he’ll be ushering the Tories there unless Rishi drops to his knees and shows he loves immigrants and British icons equally and orally. Wins round Lib Dems, wins round Reform, everyone’s happy, especially engorged Peruvian bears.

Walk around the Downing Street garden to raise money for the NHS

The only functioning funding model for the NHS is the infirm on their last legs staggering around back gardens to national acclaim. Rishi qualifies, so a walking frame and a repetitive totter will see him returned to the nation’s hearts and Michael Ball doing some kind of pissing duet with him. Then when he’s won he can say ‘f**k you’ with a pool and spa.

Burn his Green Card

The prime minister claims he will remain in the UK even if nothing but a lowly backbencher, which makes it weird he still had a green card for the US until 2021. Burn it live on TV, promise to get a job in Greggs if he loses his seat, call Californians ‘a bunch of liberal pricks’ and Google ‘search wankers’ and bask in the nationalist glow.

Make every remaining D-Day veteran a lovely cup of tea

Every cub scout, to prove he was dedicated to civic service, has made a reluctant old person a bad cup of tea. If the prime minister truly want to atone for abandoning them on the beaches, he’ll have to go around to every last care home, brew up and listen to rambling memories as if he really cares. He may also have to take them to the toilet.

Throw a chair outside a German cafe

In less than a week, England’s bravest and brightest – the successors to our veterans – will be tanked up in Gelsenkirchen throwing plastic chairs across a peaceful square in celebration of England playing Serbia. The least Sunak can do is paint a St George’s cross on his face and join them, being proudly arrested and deported for his country.

Resign

What could embody the spirit of D-Day more than sacrificing oneself for the greater good of the nation? If Sunak really wants to show he has the country’s best interests at heart, he can prove it and f**k off.

Next story ›