Are Gen Z shiftless, idle bastards throwing away Britain's future or just in their 20s? An investigation

ARE today’s young people uniquely indolent and incapable of hard work, or just at the exact age when everyone is like that? Helen Archer looks into this urgent question: 

They do seem somewhat unreliable

Studying the shift patterns at a Woking coffee shop, we found that 68 per cent of Gen Z employees had at some point skipped work because they were too hungover to froth milk. This situates them as worryingly irresponsible to an unprecedented degree. A similar study in 1994 which showed similar absence rates is irrelevant, because Kurt Cobain’s death mattered.

In conversation they are oversensitive

When asked about topics like inequality, racism, sexism and transphobia, those in their 20s were more likely to become emotional or enraged. This oversensitivity may contribute to their not trying as hard to bring customers the right size of trainers. Meanwhile their elders were unbothered about such topics or able to actively joke about them.

There is a reluctance to fight in wars

Of more than 40 Gen Z workers questioned, only one was willing to lay down his life for his country and even then used the word ‘bruv’. Compare this to the Gulf War, the Falklands or World War Two when men rushed to join the frontlines, with the draft acting only as a welcome reminder, and we can conclude today’s young are unpatriotic cowards.

They consistently refuse unpaid overtime

Paid overtime has been, thankfully, consigned to history but the youth of today refuses to accept this. Instead of gratefully accepting the opportunity of an extra couple of hours of valuable experience, they reject it in favour of more time on phones swiping through dating apps. Is it any wonder this country is in the grip of a productivity crisis?

Are always complaining about student debt

Whether they snubbed university for not being woke enough, using fees as an excuse, or got degrees then carped about being unable to clear debts while on wages that are exactly the same as they were 20 years ago, the new generation seems unable to get over the minor issue of student debt. While previous generations are fine with it.

So it seems they are, in their language, ‘the worst’ 

Whether pierced septums, ironic Greggs socks, or TikTok, the unavoidable conclusion is that Gen Z are far worse than any preceding generation. And, according to all those deemed capable of sensible judgement, that trend looks to continue downwards with Gen Alpha.

There's only one way to deal with a bully – be their bitch. By Keir Starmer

YOU may think schoolyard bullies have little to do with tariffs. But when Tommo Smith confronted me on my first day at ‘big school’, I learned a lesson which has stayed with me.

Tommo wasted no time in demanding I give him my dinner money. Even aged 11, I knew that unless you stand up to a bully they will keep doing it. And failing to resist would be a huge blow to your self-respect.

So I complied instantly. ‘Please don’t hurt me, Tommo,’ I sobbed. ‘I’ll be here at the same time tomorrow to give you your money, and for the rest of term. May I lick your trainers, O lord?’

He graciously allowed me to get down on all fours and tongue his grimy Hi-Tecs as other pupils watched and laughed. Then he kicked me in the face. As I washed the blood off in the toilets I felt I had successfully navigated the situation in a grown-up, centrist way, forming a partnership of bully and victim.

And as I had correctly predicted, the bullying got worse. Beatings, my briefcase thrown onto to the roof of the PE block, and I am proud to say I was the first pupil at my school from a working-class background to voluntarily give himself a ‘bogwash’.

Tommo was, in fact, much smaller than me, so any attempt to fight back would likely have been successful. But then, as now, I felt a strong conviction that someone should stand up for the cowardly, the spineless and the unprincipled in society.

It is an attitude that has informed my leadership of the Labour Party and the country. And as we face a pointless trade war instigated by President Trump, rest assured I will be showing the same conciliatory spirit I had in my youth.

You are probably wondering what happened to him. Well, Tommo became a Conservative MP and we are now firm friends.

Victoria and I are having him over for dinner on Friday, when he will undoubtedly stamp on my testicles for old times’ sake. I’m looking forward to it.