DONALD Trump is enjoying bullying other nations with tariffs, but he’s also a selfish bastard who won’t want to pay a cent more for things he uses. Sleep easy if your job depends on these exports.

Hair spray 

Trump hasn’t had any hair disasters recently. That doesn’t mean he’s suddenly developed a luxuriant mane, more probably that he’s using f**kloads of hairspray. There’s no way there’ll be any tariffs on the only grooming product preventing him looking like the weird ghoul-corpse thing from Tales from the Crypt.

Adult nappies 

Babies, whether three months or adult, really get through these so Trump will want to keep his personal hygiene costs down. The stomach-turning rumours about Trump’s alleged nappy use date back to his days on The Apprentice, which raises the question: does Sir Alan Sugar wear them as well? Let’s hope so, because he’s an obnoxious wanker too.

Erectile dysfunction pills  

It’s best not to imagine Trump’s sex life in too much detail but if some form of sex occurs with some lucky lady, you can bet it involves boner pills. He’s safe with Viagra as it’s an American product, but if a European pharma company comes up with a better version Donald will want it. If you’re now imagining him proudly displaying his engorged mushroom penis to some MAGA freak like Laura Loomer, apologies for that mental image. 

Golf balls 

Golfers traditionally lose a lot of balls, and Trump is shit at it so he must lose loads. The cost of constantly replacing them must add up, so no tariffs. Obviously Trump is a pathological liar so his ineptitude doesn’t stop him making wild claims about his skills, such as playing 72 consecutive hole-in-ones, at which point his golf partner, Tiger Woods, said ‘Gee, boss, I wish I had a fraction of your talent, you incredible impressive alpha male stud’, or something equally plausible.

Trump-brandable merchandise tat 

Although most of this comes from, er, America’s sworn enemy China, it’s possible some niche items are churned out by UK firms. So in other words don’t worry about redundancy if the company you work for makes ultra-shit no-brand trainers, trading cards, or really cheap baseball caps that make your head itch.

European women’s fashions 

We’re not suggesting Trump likes to slip into women’s clothes, although he wouldn’t be the first Republican politician to be a massive hypocrite in his personal life. No, Melania loves expensive clothes and Trump has got to keep her sweet. If she ever chooses to spill the beans about their marriage, his habits in general, and their sex life, Trump is utterly, utterly screwed. And not in a literal sense.