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All fancy dress offensive

THE overall concept of fancy dress is offensive to adult humans, it has been claimed.

Following repeated controversy about Nazi-themed party outfits, experts confirmed that fancy dress in all its forms is an affront to human dignity.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Every year millions are forced to look absurd on the whim of party organisers who perversely want their guests to experience hassle and embarrassment.

“No one needs this. No one likes this. It is shit.”

28-year-old Emma Bradford said: “The worst thing is when you’ve already agreed to attend a party before the host tells you it’s fancy dress.

“I tried a Puff the Magic Dragon outfit but because, like everyone, I lack craft skills I ended up looking like Kermit but with a long spiky penis.

“Luckily I had my authentic Spanish Inquisitor’s robe on standby but still everyone wasn’t happy.”

Professor Brubaker said: “Once you’ve past the age of 10, go with normal clothes.

“Wearing fancy dress just makes you look like a child cursed by an evil witch to age prematurely.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your nan has really dramatic music playing whenever she walks around ever since she bought her Hans Zimmer frame.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
As a xenomorph, when you watch the film Aliens it’s about trying to bring up a family while being hassled by soldiers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Since buying a breast-shaped tea mug it’s all gone tit sup.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You never got a Tamagotchi but now you have an iPhone that needs charging every fifteen minutes so that’s something.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you will see the worst ‘living statue’ busker ever. He won’t have bothered painting himself silver & will just lay on the ground clutching his chest.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Fame at last as a new stage in the grieving process – ‘rage incontinence’ – is named after you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
No word from the BBC about your game show where contestants try and get hammered using a random selection of household items called “Ready, Steady, Fucked”.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Cynics dismiss love as nothing more than a chemical imbalance in the brain, but that only explains why you occasionally go fucking mental in Asda before passing out.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Ensure nobody uses your mug at work by getting a branded one from the local STD clinic.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve really left your mark with your former employers as they didn’t previously conduct random crystal meth testing amongst staff.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Sat in a dinghy with an ex-member of 5ive, you decide that abseiling isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
From January 22nd 2014, Capricorn will no longer be in operation due to budgetary cuts. You are now an Aquarius.

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