subscribe
/ Sign Out

Absolutely hating the bastard school run already at pre-lockdown levels

THE number of parents loathing the school run with every fibre of their being is already at the level it was in March. 

With most parents in England less than a week into twice-daily school runs, parents across the country have reported serious and concerning spikes in their frustration, rage and incidents of swearing at traffic as they try to fit this shit into their busy schedule.

Father-of-two Tom Booker said: “Is it great that the kids aren’t in the house anymore? Yes. Do I bitterly resent every moment I spend dragging their arses to and from school? You bet your balls I do.

“I’d forgotten the pain of getting them dressed, getting them and their shit into the car, trying to find a parking space within half a mile, then schlepping back and forth through drizzle for no thanks whatsoever.

“And now the school’s added the kind of bollocks one-way system popular in supermarkets in June, so you come out completely the opposite side from where you went in.

“Plus they’re barely at school half the day, so you get home, do a bit of work, have a bit of lunch, answer three emails and it’s time to get them again.

“At least there aren’t any f**king after-school clubs to forget about so you have to spend 40 minutes hanging around a park. Yet.”

The totally unnecessary baby stuff you'll be conned into buying

ANXIOUS first-time parent? Here’s five essential bits of newborn kit from businesses who capitalising on your gullibility:

Baby bag

May resemble a bog-standard hold-all with a few pockets inside, but this is a special baby bag, as confirmed by the price of £200. If you dare put your child’s nappies and bottles in a simple satchel you already own, you will be arrested and your baby taken into care.

Heated changing mat

No baby can be expected to have its arse wiped on a room-temperature changing mat. If their mat doesn’t heat up, the resulting trauma will make them an angry, troubled teenager and cost you a fortune in counselling. You were warned.

Black and white fabric books

Your child can’t even focus, so you definitely need to shake a book filled with jagged zigzags and headache-inducing swirly lines in front of its poor little retinas. How else would you prove to other parents you care more than they do about your baby’s education?

Giant circular activity chair

Essential so your child’s first impression of entertainment can be a deeply ineffective square of plastic mirror and a button that makes the world’s most annoying honking noise. How else will they be prepared for Channel 5?

Combo chest of drawers/changing unit

Babies explode if you try to change them on a normal tabletop, did no-one tell you? You need this £449 version from Mamas and Papas or your child will grow up and blame you for all their problems because you didn’t love them enough.

Scented, automatic nappy bin

Sealing nappies in a nappy bag and putting them in a conventional bin means your house is a poo house where everything smells of poo. You must buy a special bin that seals them into a scentless plastic tomb forever. And doesn’t work, but hey, that’s your problem.

Next story ›