Science & Technology

AN ANCIENT virus found beneath the Siberian permafrost cannot infect and control humans, according to scientists with odd monotone voices.

THE Northern Lights are a sign that God approves of gay marriage, according to pro-European Christians.

THE new Samsung smartphone kicks off if you stare at it.

A TEACHER has proved what an imbecile he is by attempting to demonstrate how quickly messages spread on social media.

AVERAGE human intelligence will soon be surpassed by that of a toasted sandwich maker, experts have claimed.

A BRAIN implant inspired by the film Avatar gives recipients an incredibly simplistic moral outlook, it has emerged.

OUR shared reality is to be turned off and started again after becoming glitchy and confusing.

BEING gay is caused by genetics, as well as the natural desire to make Christians furious.

BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.

KRISPY Kreme doughnuts are weird because they come from Mars, it has emerged.