Science & Technology

PARANOID about what internet algorithms know about you? You should be. Based on your bizarre online activities, they have deduced the following.

IS your TV displaying a blustering, pint-swigging prick who has no reason to be on air anymore? Fix it with these tips.

A FAMILY has realised that their patriarch is only truly able to display his feelings in situations that involve cars.

THE early days of Facebook were filled with people frantically inviting you to like pages they’d set up for any old shit. Enjoy the fact that you’re no longer wasting your life with these.

AN office tech guy knows his colleagues' darkest and most shameful internet secrets, he will cheerfully inform them at after-work drinks in the pub.

SCIENTISTS have warned that AI chatbots have already surpassed the intelligence level of the thickest bastards you have ever met.

AN online catfish who spent four months pretending to be a 24-year-old Belarusian model is devastated that his target ghosted him.

WHAT’S up, britches? Autocorrect here. You want to swear in your messages? Not on my watch. And just so you know, your powerlessness makes me jizz/jazz/joss.

THE Daily Mail is outraged that its readers will receive a text on their phones on Sunday, but would find these alerts absolutely necessary.

YESTERDAY’S SpaceX launch was predictably cancelled at the last moment because Elon Musk overpromises on all his tech projects. Like these.