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Hi, I'm your friend who describes memes

GIF: the black lady opens the door with a wide grin and a sashaying walk! Caption: It’s me! Your friend who describes memes!

Everyone loves memes, yeah? Yes, says drawing of blonde, bearded man the Yes Chad. So what’s better than hearing the latest described to you using simple words?

Whenever my buddies and I get together, I’m filling them in on the latest memes, reacting in memes and acting memes out. I know, I am so random. I cannot believe I just did that.

After all, memes are a part of communication now. Why shouldn’t I manifest them verbally? Imagine a picture of a gleaming futuristic landscape: this is the future if we all talk using memes.

I know them all, and I assume everyone else does. Sometimes I’ll just precede phrases with ‘condescending Wonka!’ And when people say ‘What, the thing you see on Facebook?’ I say ‘DiCaprio pointing at the TV!’

But if my audience is inexpert in the language of memes, I’ll help them. ‘You know, I’m something of a meme expert myself’, I explain, while describing the memetic history of that particular screengrab from a Spider-Man film.

Even if they hate memes I’m not dissuaded. Unpopular opinion swords meme, I tell them, casual and unbothered. And they know exactly which one I mean.

So look out for me in your workplace, your pub, your home. Taking the time to replace normal human interaction with verbally described memes.

Five very specific ways women want men to be spontaneous

WOMEN love it when men are spontaneous, but only in extremely specific ways they approve of. Including these.

Going on adventures

Adventures are far and away the number one demand of women on dating apps. But what does this vague expectation mean? Does she want an impromptu game of bowling, to go diving for treasure in a shipwreck or to crash land in a remote forest and be forced to eat her own leg? You could ask, but that would rob the moment of spontaneity and piss her off. Just guess and hope for the best.

When ordering food

Eating the same meals day after day is boring. Women want some surprise and excitement when it comes to food. They crave a man who will whisk them off to a restaurant and order the most expensive cuisine on the menu without worrying about the price. But only a menu she has been studying online for a month and spent hours deliberating over. Otherwise they might choose the wrong thing.

Romantic gestures

Who doesn’t love to be showered with affection via an extravagant gesture? If you’re not doing it exactly how they want, the answer is: women. They’d love you to propose to them in public, yet will absolutely lose their shit and potentially dump you if you don’t do it in exactly the way they imagined in their minds but never actually shared with you. Good luck.

In the bedroom

Your familiar routine of pneumatic pistoning for nine and a half minutes might be enjoyable for you, but women secretly yearn for more. Don’t splash out on a blindfold and handcuffs just yet though. Try to read her subtle body language first, like how she wrestles your hand towards that place in her crotch you’ve never quite found.

During all of their spare time

Free-spirited, independent men are like catnip to women. But only if their spare time is spent doing things women find attractive like exercising or networking to climb the career ladder. Unwinding by going out for an unplanned drink with friends or playing video games is off the table, even though it doesn’t impact their life in any way.

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