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What happens to you one hour after reading the Daily Mail

NEW research by the Institute for Studies has revealed what happens in the first hour after the Daily Mail hits your eyes.

— In the first 10 minutes Mail headlines, disguised as rhetorical questions, trick your moral sense and the pineal gland, which controls your fear of ‘the other’, begins pumping fear hormones into your bloodstream.

— Within 15 minutes the brain’s limbic system, confused by images of attractive celebrities being sneered at for being attractive, reroutes all feelings of sexual attraction to contempt and loathing.

— After 20 minutes the body activates its hate storage mode, creating new reservoirs of rotten bile to be spewed at any conspicuous displays of compassion.

— After 40 minutes the acid of intense class envy reaches the bloodstream, creating a false high of self-righteousness and lasting belief that you are the only one in the country who works hard.

— Within 60 minutes, the stimulation to neuroreceptors from the Coffee Break Sudoku is fading, leaving readers desperately ‘chasing the Bassett’ by trying to enjoy the cartoons.

— Beyond this point, the body binds toxins to itself leading to irritability, brain fog and the nagging sensation that nobody is truly innocent, especially not the 15-year-old children of celebrities.

Ask Holly: Labour is like a toddler blindfolded and covered in jam about to cross the M25

Dear Holly,

Look. I’m really worried about the Labour Party. It’s like a toddler blindfolded and covered in jam about to cross the M25, or like a tiny little banana about to be eaten by a rampaging ape and shat from on high out of a massive tree, or like a packet of crisps bobbing up and down on a steaming river of sewage, meandering its way down stream towards a massive waterfall of catastrophe. Oh dear, I think I might be depressed. I can’t think why, life is hunky dory just now. Should I seek medical advice?

Tony,
London

Dear Tony,

Have you tried cutting down on sugar? We learned all about sugar and diet in school and how anything that tastes remotely nice is EVIL and must not be put in your mouth unless you want to be obese and forced to buy all your clothes in Evans. The same goes for alcohol, drugs and Robinsons Fruit Shoots. A short term buzz isn’t worth the days of self-destruction and self-hatred that follow a Fruit Shoot. When you have to start apologising to family members for your shameful behaviour following the green apple flavour one you know it’s time to quit. But don’t worry, my granny says this is all a load of nonsense because she has been eating pink wafer biscuits and Highland toffee for breakfast for 85 years and she is fine, but she also thinks Dale Winton is a sex god, so make up your own mind.

Hope that helps,
Holly

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