subscribe
/ Sign Out

Sociopath staring directly into camera during Zoom meeting

A DEEPLY unhinged junior accountant is staring directly at his laptop’s camera throughout the Monday morning Zoom meeting, colleagues have confirmed. 

Tom Booker unsettled co-workers by maintaining a fixed, unblinking gaze throughout the video conference rather than looking at images of himself, his co-workers, or the phone on his lap.

Boss Nikki Hollis confirmed: “He stared down that camera like he was devouring our souls with his eyes. It was like he was looking directly at us.

“Not a second was spared to look randomly upward into a corner, or to flick around at whoever was speaking, or to glance at someone off-camera entering the room who’d forgotten about the call.

“His eyes burned out of the screen like fiery coals. I’ve seen hostage videos that were less intense. He looked like he should have had an AK47 across his lap.”

A spokesman for Zoom said: “Our service is not for people to attempt to make eye contact. The camera is only there to show your boss that you have clothes on.”

Wearing a bikini, and four other things you won't miss this summer

LOCKDOWN is predicted to end sometime towards the end of the century. But at least that means there’s a summer off doing all this: 

Buying swimwear

Last year’s swimwear was awful so you have to buy new, except three weeks of binge-drinking, eating and watching has taken a toll. Imagine after three months, after the novelty of exercising from home wears off once you realise nobody can see you. Not even tummy-control bikini bottoms will save us this year.

Sunburn

Being trapped inside gifts us all a year off ice-packs and after-sun. Even the garden’s in shadow from the neighbours’ bloody leylandii. Sunburn will only be available to those who pass out on the front lawn, which will be 20 per cent of us by June.

Hats

The sun forces the best of us into headwear we would never normally be dickheaded enough even to consider. But no panamas, trucker hats or straw boaters this year. Sit indoors and ram ice-cream into your face hatless and unashamed.

Shaving

Men can grow the Rasputin beard of their hipster dreams. Women can skip shearing day altogether, and walk round the house as goat-legged as the god Pan.

Loading the car boot

No holidays mean no games of bag Tetris in your car boot. So enjoy the break from sweating your way down the M5 with no rear view and a beach umbrella pointing intimidatingly towards your left eye.

Next story ›