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Scientist doubting life's work after reading Facebook comments by twat

AN expert epidemiologist is doubting everything he has ever learned about viruses after reading the baseless opinions of some halfwit on Facebook.

Professor Stephen Malley, who has two degrees, a PhD and has worked in his highly specialised field for 20 years, is wondering whether he should bow to the superior wisdom of a twat with Google.

Malley said: “This guy looked at some memes, watched several videos on YouTube and misunderstood a few graphs, so he’s really snapping at my heels in terms of expertise.

“Now he’s confidently telling people there is no pandemic. I can’t believe I’ve been messing around worrying about peer-reviewed research when you can just read some stuff your mate Gary shared online and know that Covid is a lie.

“I’m going to jack it all in now seeing as I’ve been totally shown up by a guy who somehow knows more than me about pathogenesis despite the fact that he works in a computer repair shop.

“Hopefully he’ll be able to sort out ebola too.”

Twat in question Wayne Hayes said: “Of course he’d say that. Everyone knows scientists are getting massive bribes from facemask manufacturers. Everyone on Facebook, anyway.”

Smug couple with smug baby live in smug house with smug garden

AN unbearably smug couple have imbued smugness into every aspect of their lives, it has emerged.

Frequently sharing their idyllic life on Facebook and Instagram, Joseph and Helen Turner have managed to make even inanimate objects appear self-satisfied.

Joseph, wearing a wide, shit-eating grin, said: “Things have been going well for Helen and I. While some of our friends have had to scrimp and save for a mortgage, we were lucky enough to move into the beautiful but well-situated cottage her grandparents left her.

“Since we moved we’ve just gone from strength to strength. Helen became pregnant immediately and on maternity leave found she had a real knack for landscape gardening.”

Speaking from their expensive sofa, Helen went on: “Joseph has a well-paid but worthy job in the City, working in the charity sector, and he’s able to work from home most days.

“Our son Nathaniel is a happy, healthy boy and very advanced for his age. We’ll probably spawn an equally adorable sibling for him soon. We’re also getting a Labrador puppy so our family photos will make people with mediocre lives incredibly depressed.

“We’re just so grateful to have all these lovely things in our life, and be able to share it on social media all the f**king time.”

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