SCIENCE is officially over after reaching its ultimate goal of hangover-free alcohol.
Around the world, test tube and bunsen burners are being packed into cardboard boxes and ‘Office Space To Let’ signs hung outside former laboratories.
Professor David Nutt, who caused the end of science with his pioneering work on drink that doesn’t make you feel shit the next day, admitted mixed feelings.
He said: “Of course I’m proud to have invented a jazzy cocktail that gets you nicely wasted without reducing you to a sweaty, exhausted bundle of self-doubt.
“But I didn’t really anticipate that government funding and public support for science would instantly stop because everyone thinks science has ‘nothing left to do’.
“I mean ending hangovers is great but we were doing some good stuff on cancer and HIV too, also space travel was only going to get better.
“I reckon science could have gone on a bit longer.”
However father-of-two Roy Hobbs said: “Now I can be drunk all the time except when asleep, I don’t really see any purpose to doing more science.
“Yes there’s the medicine side but who cares about being poorly if you’re pissed and loving it? And I never really liked scientists, they all seemed a bit…clever.”
Professor Nutt confirmed that he was already looking for another job: “I’ve got an interview for a recruitment consultant position this afternoon, but I’m up against Peter Higgs and he talks a pretty good game.”
