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Nerd wrongly assumed to know about computers

A SELF-STYLED ’nerd’ is unable to fix computers, it has been confirmed.

27-year-old science fiction fan and fantasy wargamer Wayne Hayes has told his friends to stop asking him what is wrong with their laptops.

He said: “I like Star Trek, Stargate SG-1 and own a £175 scale model of the ‘marine carrier’ from Aliens. I always wear the same Millets fleece and avoid large social gatherings unless it’s a convention. That doesn’t mean I can fix your fucking computer.”

Hayes receives around six requests per week to repair computers, despite working as assistant manager in a garden centre and having no IT qualifications.

Hayes’s cousin Tom Booker said: “Of course he knows about computers, just look at him. I don’t know why he’s being so uncooperative.

“He reads these really thick books with spaceships on them so he must be able to make my iTunes work.”

However Wayne Hayes said: “I’m into technology that isn’t real, like warp drives and teleporters, because it is exciting whereas my boss’s sister’s husband’s Lexmark printer that ‘won’t do the thing’ is not.

“Some nerds know less about computers than thick-necked lager drinkers.”

Scientists discover element of pure stupidity

RESEARCHERS have discovered the pure atomic essence of stupidity.

The new element, named Moronium, reacts aggressively in an alcohol solution and explodes when exposed to libraries.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Moronium may be the dark matter that makes up 80% of existence, working on the logic that four out of five people you meet are thick as mince.”

Although extremely common, Moronium is also an extremely difficult atom to isolate, due to its tendency to form stubborn polymers in places like social media and Birmingham.

Attempts to synthesise a single crystal of the element led to an explosion in the laboratory, causing all the researchers to become drummers.

Moronium is the most expensive substance known to man at over £25m a kilo. Professor Brubaker added: “That’s a really stupid price to pay for something that turns anything it touches into a nincompoop.”

Brubaker also believes Premier League footballers could provide a plentiful source of Moronium should Britain ever seek to create a nuclear powered dipshit.

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