subscribe
/ Sign Out

Mesolithic hunter was first hot man

FEMALE scientists have unearthed a swarthy, blue-eyed Mesolithic hunter they believe was the first hot man.

Professor Mary Fisher, who found the skeleton, said: “In the early stone age there were no good-looking men, they all had protruding foreheads and chimpy walks.

“Then this hunting, gathering stud muffin comes along and totally changes the game.

“With his square jaw and piercing eyes, he combined strength and sensitivity.

“He would venture out in the cold with his spear, bring back a cave bear carcass and cook it himself using delicious foraged herbs and spices.

“Then he would wash up all the stone plates in preparation for attentive lovemaking. And he remembered birthdays by scratching off the days on the cave wall with a piece of flint.”

London twat drain great for provinces

PROVINCIAL cities have hailed the capital’s boom in knobhead jobs as the best thing that has ever happened to them.

With more than 80 per cent of new jobs for complete tools being created in London, cities like Manchester and Newcastle are seeing record levels of twat migration.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “London has now passed what we call the Twat Event Horizon.

“Put simply, once a core number of self-involved wankers is reached then the city becomes as irresistibly attractive to twats as it is repellent to everyone else. Thereafter, their numbers grow exponentially.”

Shipworker Norman Steele said: “My son, who has an ironic basin haircut, moved to London because there weren’t any design agencies with ping-pong tables here in Sunderland.

“He says he’d love to visit but he can’t spend 24 hours anywhere without a vibrant DIY chillwave scene. It’s great.”

Mayor of Leeds Roy Hobbs said: “I walk the streets of my city, denuded as they are of dicks, wankers, and shameless cocksticks, and I feel proud.

“We don’t need organic vegetables or truffle oil anymore, so there’s more room in the shops for Toffos and Vimto and HP Sauce.

“Nightclubs are, by law, called either the Ritz or Zanzibar and are explicitly for getting drunk, dancing to happy hardcore and getting off with ‘birds’.

“In this land of dark satanic mills we have built a paradise.”

Next story ›