subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man on electric unicycle provides valuable insight into bellends of the future

A MAN on an electric unicycle has given the world a glimpse of the tiresome tossers they will have to deal with more regularly in the future.

Onlookers in Brighton were shocked to see the man travelling at high speeds on a stupid little electric wheel, possibly on his way to some sort of new media job.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I was enjoying a relaxing walk when a man shot past me on a single wheel like some kind of high-speed techno clown.

“I was stunned. I never thought someone would think to combine the pavement-hogging annoyance of mobility scooters with the ridiculousness of rollerblading.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In the future everywhere relaxing will be ruined by someone dicking around with a gadget.

“You may already have been enjoying a tranquil beach when some twat with a drone hovered it above you. What else does the future hold? How dickish do we dare to dream?

“By 2090 we could be a race of human-robot hybrids, with neural implants to make us bigger wankers.”

How to tell a friend with a beard they look like the ultimate twat

IT’S not easy to break it to a friend that their new beard looks ridiculous. Here are some ways to do it.

‘Did you grow it for charity?’

This cleverly hides an insult within a compliment. You’ve told them they are an upstanding member of society while also letting them know their hairy chin rug looks shite.

‘I almost mistook you for Gerry Adams!’

Compare them to someone they definitely won’t want to look like and the beard will be history. Hagrid and Brian Blessed are also good. If they still won’t take the hint, use the nuclear option: Peter Sutcliffe.

‘Are you having a nervous breakdown?’

If their beard is a wild, bushy affair that they think makes them look like a member of Mumford & Sons, gently burst their bubble by suggesting they have gone a bit mental.

‘Have you got a job as Father Christmas?’

Works best at Christmas, but try it anyway and act all surprised when they remind you they already have a job as an accountant. At other times of the year ask if they are on an MI5 watchlist, due to joining ISIS.

‘You look like a fucking idiot’

When all else fails, go with the cold, hard truth. They will come to appreciate your tough love in time, and the furry eyesore on their face will soak up their tears anyway.

Next story ›