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Last person who isn't a recruitment tosser leaves LinkedIn

THE last person with a normal job has finally given up on the social network LinkedIn, it has emerged.

Graphic designer Julian Cook left the site after realising he was the only surviving person without a job title like ‘placement professional’ or ‘management headhunter’.

Cook said: “I scrolled through the timeline. Recruiters. I looked at my messages. Recruiters. I feel like prey that’s being stalked. By people off The Apprentice.

“My housemate from uni messaged me last week. I was looking forward to reminiscing about the old days but he’s a ‘talent acquisition professional’ now and just wanted to know if I was happy with my current salary.”

Experts say recruiters have been multiplying on LinkedIn since 2014, finally reaching ‘critical mass’ this week and driving out other users.

Recruiter Helen Archer said: “I’m a results-focused professional with a track record in linking quality candidates with blue-chip companies. But mainly I put people forward for anything if there’s commission in it.

“LinkedIn being mostly recruiters is a bit of a problem. I suppose we could just endlessly recruit each other but is that a bit weird, like professional incest?

“Wait, where did Julian go?”

How are you not living up to your parents' expectations?

ARE you a bitter disappointment to your parents despite being showered with love and money throughout your childhood? Read our guide and find out.

Is your job something other than doctor?

Unless you’re on track to earn a six-figure salary in a ‘proper profession’, you are a failure. Expect even more disappointment if you’ve chosen to work in ‘the arts’ – you may as well be a stoned hippy street juggler in Bristol.

Are you still living in a shared house?

They bought a three-bed semi for £6000 in 1972, while you spend most of your salary renting a box room in a house full of weirdos. It’s still your fault though – you should be able to control inflation, wage stagnation and the UK economy.

Do they know you once smoked a ‘funny cigarette’?

Even the mildest historical drug-taking will never be forgotten. Thank god they don’t know about the time you took three pills and shat yourself in a nightclub.

Does your choice of partner leave a lot to be desired?

Unless your significant other is loaded, extremely attractive or from a ‘good’ family, your parents will take great pleasure in hating them. (Weirdly, a beard is ‘the fashion’ if it belongs to your estate agent cousin; if your partner has one it is a source of endless hilarity.)

Where are the grandchildren?

Past a certain point, your parents stop seeing you as their beloved offspring and instead as a grandchild dispenser. Fail in this task and they’ll give up on you completely and leave your inheritance to the local donkey sanctuary.

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